It’s time for me to speak the truth

I have quite honestly never felt more vulnerable than in this moment. I guess I feel scared, scared for many reasons actually. But I am just going to be honest and face my fears, I am sitting here writing this feeling totally unsure if I should be doing this. Will I be judged harshly? I am just going to write from the heart, let my feelings spill onto the page and then hit send.

OK so where to start? I have spent a long time being afraid and recently I have realised that I can not keep living a lie. I always promised you, my lovely readers and I would also consider many of you friends, that I will be honest and I also promised myself I would be honest. In all my posts you have gotten the real me, I write from the heart, I write with passion and I write my truth. But there is something I haven’t been open about.

I have often told you that I am fairly new to social media, the reason I didn’t join social media for so long was because I was afraid. I did a lot of soul searching in 2014. I got to a point in my life where I was going through the motions, I had a great life, yet I was always holding back a huge part of myself. I was at a point where I felt defeated, I knew it was time to start listening to myself, listening to my soul. That is why I started writing, it is why I started working on my novel and then decided to start blogging. I also joined social media for the first time. I went from being socially hidden to being socially seen on many platforms, I guess in a way it was all or nothing. But although I jumped in the pool I still wore a safety vest.

When my first post went out I hid my identity, I didn’t have a profile picture or any photographs of myself on social media. A few months later I finally felt brave enough to share my first public photograph of myself. To be honest it terrified me to do so, yet at the same time I felt a complete sense of freedom! I know this probably makes no sense? Like I said this post is hard for me and I am getting there.

Still I am wearing a safety vest.

Many years ago I went through something extremely traumatic. I honesty don’t feel quite ready to open up about it all, but I will say this. I was in fear for my life, after what happened to me I was changed forever. I would like to think that I have become much stronger because of what I went through, and in many ways I know I have! I am a survivor and I have written about that. But the truth is part of me still feels broken and afraid. I still to some degree live with fear. I try to deny that to myself and to anyone around me, but deep down I can’t hide from it.

It would be easier for me to keep going on and just keep pretending. But it makes me angry with myself, because I am letting my fear win, every time I am not honest I am letting fear win and it makes me mad. I don’t want to be a victim and I don’t want to be scared.

Now I know that this is something that many writers do, I guess they all do it for different reasons, but I did it out of fear and that it is not sitting right with me. It was OK at first, I mean I started blogging and didn’t expect anyone to even read it! I had never read a blog before and had no idea what I was getting in to. What I found out was that blogging isn’t just about getting on line and typing something, it soon becomes a whole new world. I never could have imagined the amazing people I have met! The blogging and writing community is amazing, and so many people have reached out to me, helped me, asked for my help, and become friends. It really is a community. I have met people that I now consider really good friends, people I would gladly have over for coffee anytime. Each day I receive beautiful supportive comments, and I open my email to see more people are subscribing to my blog and I feel so honoured and touched. But I also feel guilty because I am not being totally honest.

I hope what I am about to say doesn’t disappoint you, I hope you can understand. Like I said many writers do it and I know I have a right to privacy, but it just feels wrong to let my fears keep winning. I write under a pseudonym, or pen name, which for anyone who doesn’t know means that I use a name that is not actually my birth name. Like Joanne Rowling I guess is the best example I can give. She goes by J. K. Rowling and Robert Galbraith.

I chose to do this because of what happened to me. After what happened I moved several times, I have my phone account under a different name and once I joined social media I went under a false name and didn’t display my photograph as my profile picture. I have gradually become more brave, I now share photos of myself. But the truth is my name isn’t Mackenzie, although it is my surname. Glanville a family name. But my real first name is Kylie (I know very Australian). I can not tell you what a sense of relief it is to be honest about it! I honestly feel like I can breathe a little easier. I can no longer let fear cripple me, and I can not let the person who did this terrible thing to me win, I will not let him control me anymore! I am taking back my power!

At this point I have no plans to go changing all my accounts and I am more than happy to still be known as Mac as like I said Mackenzie is my surname. But I wanted you to know my true first name. For my children’s privacy I do use pen names for them also and I will continue to do so until they are old enough to make that decision for themselves. My hubby’s name is Steve which I already called him on the blog anyway.

I hope that you can understand my choice. I am sorry if you feel let down.

I hope in some way this inspires you to face your fears, life is too precious to let people control us, to let fear control us. Life is beautiful and it is a gift and so I will continue to embrace life and refuse to be crippled by my fear.

Thanks for joining me, love Mac xx