I am me.

Does my name define me? Does your name define you?

It is one of the first things we verbally tell people about ourselves, like somehow it holds great significance. In truth it probably says more about our parents choices than our own.

Growing up I didn’t think there was anything that special about my name. Besides my parents were convinced they were expecting a boy, so when out I popped with female genitalia they were, let’s say shocked. I was nameless for a while, until my mum thought of a name she quite liked and so I became a baby with a name.

Had my name been different, would I have turned out differently? Well we can never truly know can we.

I know there are cultures where names have a real significance, my culture is not one of those. I know some parents name their children because of a certain meaning it holds, well my parents didn’t do that.

So I was a girl with a name that meant very little to me.

When I married I was struck by how much my last name actually meant to me. For the first time I considered that I would have to give up part of what linked me to a long heritage. I loved my husband to be and didn’t want to offend him, but I also loved my father and my grandparents, my heritage and I did not want to let it go. So I chose to hyphenate my surname.

So why am I writing about names? Well because I am bothered by something and have been for a long time. That name that never meant that much to me growing up, I have connected it to something more and that is, my power. Let me explain.

You know that saying, you don’t not what you’ve lost until it’s gone? Well my name is a bit like that. In case you are unaware (I have blogged about this before briefly), I write under a pseudonym. Not because I want to be someone else, or because it seemed like a cool idea at the time, but because in ways I don’t talk about (other than to a handful of people), my name was something I became afraid to share publicly.

I think what bothers me the most (after lots of soul searching) is that I feel like I am giving someone else the power over me but not using my birth name. I feel like if I truly want to claim my power back, and to stop being afraid then I need to claim my name back too. I have connected the two things.

I am struggling with this though. I don’t want anyone to have power over me anymore, I want to reach out and say FUCK YOU, you have no control over me!

Does it matter though? Does claiming my birth name back mean I am truly claiming my power back? Is it really the final F* You? Or can I still be the strong, powerful woman I am without what name I use having any relevance?

I often think of the Romeo and Juliet line by Shakespeare “A Rose By Any Other Name, would smell as sweet”. My name is just a name, it does not define me, it doesn’t even describe me.

Anyway that’s my pondering for the day.

Thanks for reading, love, Mackenzie xx