I have made no secret about my restlessness and my deep desire for change on the pages of this blog. I have pondered, reflected, ruminated, posed questions to those of you who are kind enough to read my blog, and still I have struggled to understand what it is inside of me that makes me long for something that I can not grasp.

My 14 year old asked me the other day why I rearrange our furniture so much, I off handedly said that I keep moving things so we don’t gather moss. I later realised she took my words literately when she wondered how the furniture gathered moss. I explained it was not the furniture that would gather the moss, but me! I went on to explain that I like change, I feel refreshed by it, that by moving the furniture it meant I could clean underneath, find hidden crumbs, or a lost toy, or even a spider (eek).

Well I guess it is metaphorical really, change means I can clear out my own hidden crumbs, or maybe discover a hidden gem within myself, or something not so nice that I need to address and work out how it got there so hopefully it won’t reappear.

What struck me though is how much I used to fear, I should write FEAR change! When anxiety is part of your life then routine can often be a comfy place, but somewhere over the past few years more and more I am drawn to change. I hadn’t really thought about it before, but it leaves me with another question, why has my opinion on ‘change’ changed?

Is it simply because I am a proper grown up now, (even though I am not sure I really feel like one, but having a teenage daughter makes me think I need to be, well to a certain degree)? Is it that I have just evolved, come more out of my shell? Perhaps more confident in my choices? Perhaps more comfortable in my skin, (and my mind)? I am guessing a combination of all these things?

I think though I am still getting used to this idea that I like change of any kind, that I am open to discovering so much more than what is in my little ‘safe zone’. When it comes to furniture it is hardly much of a change, in fact that is more just me having fun and playing with space, but when it comes to some of the bigger choices in life I am welcoming change in a way I never (have and certainly would never have) anticipated.

Now let’s not get carried away, I still have anxiety over a lot of things, but I also feel excited about new possibilities, and where I used to fear what was around the corner, I now feel like I can face whatever comes and look at it as a challenge as opposed to the disaster I would have been crippled by years ago.

At the beginning of this post I mentioned that I am still trying to grasp, or figure out what it is that I am longing for, what it is that leaves me feeling unsettled, I can only describe it to you as a feeling of having adrenaline pumping through your body like right before you race, or before an exam. I don’t know what the results will be, but I am not worried. I feel a sense of freedom in that, in knowing that although I don’t know what is coming, or even what I truly want, I feel like somehow I’m going to be alright if I just trust in myself. If for once in my life I stop listening to my anxious mind and actually tap into my soul.

Can anyone relate? Are you are creature of habit, or do you welcome change?

I’d love to hear any thoughts on this, or personal experiences you have had so feel free to comment below or shot me an email.

Thanks as always for reading my pondering, love, Mac