Every child is different, even identical twins do not grow up and have the exact same personalities, everyone has their own unique quirks, talents, aspirations, weaknesses and strengths.

Children are colourful, individual, and amazing, that is until parents squash, bend and shape it out of them. 

When I first started taking my daughter to playgroup I would watch all these parents relaxing and chatting whilst their children played happily with one another, exploring their environment, testing out the new toys, whilst I sat on the floor with my daughter who was hiding her face and more often than not she was crying too, especially if anyone other than me dare look at her! After weeks of perseverance, sympathetic looks from other parents and strange looks from other children, I gave up on playgroup.

Not wanting my daughter to be an anti social butterfly I decided to just visit with a couple of mums and toddlers at a time rather than a large group, thinking she would be less overwhelmed. We got together regularly with two other mums, and their son and daughter. These two little ones played so happily together at a safe distance from their mothers, why my little treasure sat on my knee, or clung to my leg whilst my coffee went cold, yum!

I felt like a failure, my child was so painfully introverted, she would cry even if her relatives tried to hold her, I was struggling to cope. In an attempt to get her comfortable with strangers we joined Gymbaroo, and a mini music program, plus continued outings with friends.

The thing I struggled with the most during this time wasn’t that my daughter was clingy, it was that I felt I had to keep explaining away her behaviour and even apologising for it. One day I was in a bakery and a stranger was trying to chat with her, I felt so bad that my daughter was not responding that I apologised and said she is “shy”, I realised in that moment that I was constantly saying that in front of her, telling people she was shy and I felt terrible. I didn’t want my daughter growing up with this “shy” label, believing that’s who she was, I mean why should she chat with and smile at a complete stranger anyway?

As parents we begin to try and mould our children into what a child is expected to be, and to a degree we need to do this, we can’t let them go around hitting or biting, or worse, but if they are cautious of strangers isn’t that OK?

 

I had many friends who would say to me that they wished their child was a little more shy, one friends daughter was running off down supermarket aisles and starting conversations with strangers, another friends daughter left their table at a restaurant and went and sat on a strangers knee at another table.

As parents we need to teach our children right from wrong, and whether they like it or not there are rules in society that everyone needs to abide by in order to live safely and fairly. We are after all, one big team! But we also need to embrace their individuality, to let them discover who they are, and celebrate their uniqueness. We shouldn’t need to apologise for who they are.

 

Over the years my daughter has grown into a confident young girl, she is still a deep thinker, she is thoughtful, reflective, caring, but she has now got the beautiful social life that I feared may never come. She has wonderful friends and many of them, and she has performed solos in dance, violin and singing, and although she feels extremely nervous doing this, she faces her fears on her own and without hiding her head in my lap.

I have now been through this with all of my children, my second daughter didn’t speak to another child until 3rd term of kindergarten. It is funny how I spent years worrying that my children would never overcome their “shyness”, when I look at them now I realise that they just needed time, it couldn’t be forced, they just needed gentle encouragement, and permission to be themselves.


Children are born into a world of rules and expectation, and when they don’t conform to the moulds many parents try and shape them so that they do fit. It is not because we don’t love their uniqueness it is a fear of judgement from other parents, or other generations with sayings like “children should be seen and not heard”, it is the voice in the back of our minds worrying, “what if my child doesn’t fit in?” “What if they are bullied?” I recently had a conversation with a friend about how one of our biggest fears isn’t if they are different, but if others make their life harder because they don’t accept their differences. I guess all we can do is love our children unconditionally, to encourage their original ideas, and to teach them it’s OK to think outside the square and colour out of the lines, as long as they are safe, and not harming others, then why shouldn’t they embrace their individuality and be proud of it!

Thanks for joining me, love Kylie xx

O