I know that we need to forgive more for ourselves than for the person who we are forgiving, I hear that said, I see it written, I understand the whole reasoning behind it intellectually. What I do not understand is how to truly do it fully, emotionally, I do not know how to forgive you.
I just feel the need to write down these thoughts occupying my mind right now, I apologise I have put no forethought into this blog post, I am just spilling words . . . .
I have moved on with my life, I don’t even obsess over it, or think about you every day. I am happy, I have a great life, I love who I am. I just can not say I forgive you.
I don’t want to hold on to this, I want to let it go, I want to say I forgive, not to you, but in my own heart. I want to feel cleansed of this. I have worked on forgiving myself, for any part I played in what happened. I know I was naive, I know you walked all over me and I allowed you to because my voice wasn’t strong enough, because I didn’t think I should spit words back. I thought I was the bigger person, but the truth is you made me feel so small that I didn’t actually allow myself a voice. That is on me, I know better now. You were in the position of power, I wasn’t, and so I let you have your way. That is on me.
So why is it that I can not forgive? I can not forgive you because you don’t acknowledge that you were so cruel, that you were in any way wrong for behaving the way you did. I can not forgive you for attacking me when I was at my most vulnerable. I can not wrap my mind around how you can justify your behaviours. I am baffled by how someone can be so heartless. I just don’t understand, actually I hope I never do because I would hate to be anything like you. I watch the way you treat people who you say you care for, who you call friend, and I wonder why you are so clueless as to why they walk away from you?
I am frustrated that you can not see beyond your nose. Beyond your ego.
Writing this makes me reassess, maybe I have not forgiven myself after all? Maybe it is me I am angry at? I am angry that I stood there and let you attack me, and attack those close to me. I am angry that I was not brave enough to say how I truly felt. I was nothing but the doormat you wiped your dirty boots upon, and I let you.