Many years ago I had a story, a story I was too afraid to share with anyone. So the decision was simple, I would keep it to myself. Only that decision wasn’t the right one. In fact it was very, very wrong.
There are times in our lives that bad things happen to us, or perhaps we even do something wrong. Something that goes against everything we believe in. Sometimes we think we are doing the right thing, at the time, yet it turns out that we couldn’t have been more wrong.
Mistakes. Why are we so afraid to make them? Why do we feel the need to be that perfect person all the time? You know that girl right? The one who always looks beautiful, who acts so perfectly, isn’t that who we all want to be?
I used to want to be her. I did. And I guess in many ways that is how people saw me. From the outside I was always pretty. I wore beautiful clothing, smiled my perfect smile, laughed at peoples jokes and got top marks at University. I came from a fantastic family, youngest of four, and had great friendships. I was always in the popular group, and had not a care in the world . . . . . .or so people thought.
Inside I was not that girl. Inside I was not laughing, I was not pretty or popular, in fact I felt like a failure, I felt like an unwanted, unloved girl. I was in pain and I didn’t want people to see the real me, I didn’t want them to tear down my false walls.
I guess I see it as if there are two parts to me, the logical me and the emotional me. The logical me knows I am smart, pretty and fun, but the emotional me struggles to accept logic, or reality. About a year ago a extremely intelligent and professional lady commented on my high level of intelligence and I brushed it off, she looked at me strangely and said, “but you have a degree, yes?” This was my response, “yes, but no.” To her this made no sense, to me it made perfect sense. In my logical mind the answer is clearly ‘yes‘, as I do have a degree. However in my emotional mind my answer is ‘no‘. Why? Well to me I don’t see myself as intelligent, or at least I didn’t then. I had been at home raising my children for years and I felt like all I knew was how to be a great mum, and have a sparkling clean home. Now I shouldn’t say ‘all I knew‘, as being a great mum involves a lot of hard work, patience and time! But I dismissed anything I did, or knew because I lacked any self-confidence.
Over this past year I have been on a massive journey. No I didn’t travel across the world, my journey has been extremely personal and I have learnt a lot! I am now in a place where my emotional side and my logical side are no longer at War, in fact they have finally embraced. I can accept now that I am a good person who deserves good things, and that I am smart. I can now say proudly that I am a mum, a wife, a university graduate, a life guide, writer and photographer. I have my own business and I am happy. I am now free to share what I have learnt with my own clients and help them find their authentic selves and inner peace, and that is so rewarding.
The reason I chose to reflect on the Maya Angelou quote this Friday was because it resonated with me, with the young woman I used to be. I had a story that I held inside for way too long. When I was a young woman I had something very bad happen to me and I didn’t share it. I felt it was my job to protect my family and friends from the ugly truth. I didn’t want anyone to share my pain. I felt if I told anyone I would be hurting them or even worse, putting them in danger.
My brother Patrick recently shared with me that he could never understand why I didn’t share my story al those years. He said to me that I hurt my family more by not sharing my pain with them, by not allowing them to be there for me, to be that soft safe place to fall. I see now as a grown up, as a mother, an aunt that I too would rather know the truth if someone I loved was suffering, but as a very young woman I couldn’t see that. All I could see was the pain I would cause those around me. I made a mistake by not sharing my story, and in the long run I protected no one.
Not telling caused not only my loved ones pain, it also caused me years of suffering as I held on tightly to my story, my painful reality. I suffered terrible recurring nightmares for years, and held myself back from amazing opportunities. Holding on to your untold stories is never a good idea. I am not saying shout your stories from the roof tops (unless you want to), or even tell everyone you know, but find some people you feel safe with and let them know what you are going through.
If you have an amazing story, then share that too. Look at me know, I am sharing on an International website! I don’t have to share everything, but writing for me is therapeutic, it allows me to share my many reflective, and sometimes completely wacky thoughts and feelings with all of you. I have never felt more empowered now that I share my voice and my stories. I have finally reached a point where I feel free to be myself and it is a great feeling.
Thank you for joining me at Friday Reflections, love Mackenzie xx
1: What was the funniest thing you saw or heard this week?
2: What is the most influential book you have ever read?
Loading InLinkz ...We are Mackenzie and Janine your hosts. We are inviting you to join us every Friday for a cocktail, mocktail, or a good cup of tea to reflect on your week, your thoughts, life, love, adventures, all from the reflective prompts we will provide you with. Our Vision: We wish to inspire your creativity. Through reflective thoughts and writing we hope to help you fulfil your life’s dreams and support you in discovering your true passions. How it works: Each week we will supply you with 3 prompts to choose from. You simply choose the one that inspires you and start writing! Our prompts will range from quotes or questions to reflect upon, perhaps an image or a statement, whatever we feel inspired by we will share with you, our lovely new Link-Up friends. It is reflective, it is fun, and it is a great way to connect with amazing writers and unleash your creativity. What will you get out of this experience: Linking up with Friday Reflections is a great way to find fresh inspiration for your writing and blogging. It provides you with endless ideas to write about! You have the support of other bloggers visiting your site, offering advice and support. It is a great way to connect with other passionate writers and make new and wonderful friendships! Linking up with us will also increase your site traffic and adds many more comments on your post and opportunities for your work to be shared on social media. On top of all that Mackenzie and Janine will be putting their heads together each week and choosing their favourite post.This could be you! If you are chosen you will be the ‘Friday Reflections featured writer‘! We will also tweet a link to your post, and a link on Facebook to let all our followers know how fabulous you are. It’s a great way to grow your personal following. Linking up can be done on either Janine’s Website Reflections From A Red Head or Mackenzie’s Website Reflections From Me. Rules:
- After Linking Up, you must read and leave a comment on both the hosts websites.
- You must read and comment on the post linked up before your own.
- Please also read and comment on at least one other linked up post that grabs your attention.
- Of course you are welcome to read as many as you like! Remember if someone reads and comments on yours it is lovely to return the favour.
- Janine and Mackenzie will read all posts linked up with Friday Reflections, and then choose their featured writer! The Link up will be open from Friday afternoon GMT + 8 until the following midday Wednesday.
- If you link up something inappropriate, Janine and Mackenzie reserve the right to remove your post.
- All posts must be your own, and original content. One post per week.
- Be kind! Us writer’s work hard, show each other respect at ALL times.
- Most importantly have FUN, be creative, reflect and love what you do!
Social Media. Sharing is caring. Tweet your posts to us and @FridayReflect using the hashtag #FridayReflections or #RefectiveFridays. Find us on Twitter Join our Facebook Group where you can share your weekly post. We will also add our new prompts here and announce our weekly Friday Reflections Featured Writer. It could be you! Final Word. We are so excited to begin our journey with you, to invite old friends to join us on this reflective journey, and meet wonderful new friends and amazing bloggers along the way! Feel free to Link-Up each week, or whenever you are feeling inspired. Prompts for next week Friday the 3rd of April are as followers: Remember you have 5 days to link up, we are aware it is Easter weekend so don’t stress if you don’t get your posts up right away. Happy Easter.
Also this post has been linked up to Twinkly Tuesday
8 comments
Writing is certainly therapeutic and takes a lot of courage Mackenzie! One of the biggest challenges in life is self-love. We are so hard on ourselves that we never ever stop to tell our inner critic to shut up.
I admire you for overcoming how you felt and for sharing your vulnerable self in this post. Big hugs to you!
That means a lot, thank you
You’re doing amazingly Mac xxx
Thanks xx
It is easy to know in retrospect what we should have done but I think wisdom comes with age or with hindsight. We have to experience something first and later we learn from the ramifications of our decisions. It seems to me you did what you had to do at that particular time to survive. You were probably too raw to share. As time went on you realised it was not the right thing to bottle it up. It is very brave to now come out and share. So many people get stuck in one place on their journey. How wonderful that you are moving forward. It takes courage.
So well said Mary, and so true
I absolutely get this. And this is exactly the reason I started writing my blog! Writing and storytelling is cathartic. I was very precious to begin with, about sharing my story, but I’m so glad I have. And it’s amazing how many of my friends have since opened up and shared similar stories of their own, since reading mine. Thanks for linking up with #TwinklyTuesday
Caro | http://www.thetwinklediaries.co.uk
Thanks for the encouragement xx
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