Lately I have learned a lot of things about myself. In fact somethings have pretty much slapped me in the face. I feel like I have been walking around in a fog, and then I walked face first into a glass window smashing the glass along with my reality, well what I thought was my reality. Has anyone ever been living a certain way, thinking you know yourself fairly well, and then just had the biggest (Oprah) AHA MOMENT!? Suddenly all you thought you knew is pulled away and you’re left standing amongst the shattered glass wondering how you didn’t see it there all along?
Well that’s me right now. Stunned and also suddenly wide eyed! I had a moment where I was confronted by a situation that left me feeling completely shut down, silenced and vulnerable. This feeling was nothing new, sadly it was a familiar pattern. I’m just a girl after all, who was I kidding thinking I could use my voice. I need to sit and look pretty and be polite. Don’t fight the system, just dab those tears away and shut your pretty mouth.
After the incident I had a shower and I just cried, the kind of cry where you feel it in your chest, where it actually feels like physical pain. I felt robbed, I felt silenced, and I felt helpless.
As part of my anxiety therapy I have been attending the most fabulous mindfulness class. During the class we were asked to speak of an incident that upset, or caused us to be hurt during the past week. Everyone went quite deep, so I decided to open up to the group, needless to say the group where appalled by what had happened and immediately went into chants of how unjust this treatment was. The group facilitator who is a very talented psychologist pulled the group back in and started digging deeper, asking me to describe how I felt in my body when this occurred and what my thoughts and feelings were. It was hard to go there, but as I described to her my sensations she asked if I was Angry? No I said, I don’t get angry. She pushed harder asking why wasn’t I allowed to get angry and why do I struggle to identify anger?
I realised she was right I was angry, and finally seeing that I felt empowered. She made me see anger as not just something that in particular as women are discouraged to feel, or acknowledge, but that it is not always the bad emotion it is thought to be. Used in the right way, anger can lead to positive change, to fighting for our rights, and allows us to channel that emotion into a better life.
She then questioned me as to why I was not fighting for my rights? The answer was simple to me, “because it won’t change anything‘. What she said next shocked me, she said she would guess that somewhere in my past I got angry, I tried to fight, I tried to be heard and yet I came out of that situation more hurt because I fought.’
That was my AHA light bulb moment. Instantly I knew she was right, I flashed back to the exact moment and the glass smashed around me. How had I not seen this. How have I allowed myself to be silenced for so long! I have lost my voice, on the surface I agree and smile, I am polite and sweet, and yet inside I am craving desperately to be heard.
It is strange how we can live with things that are causing us pain, and yet we choose to play pretend. All I want is to have a voice. Yet I am so afraid to fight for me.
We all deserve a voice, we shouldn’t be silenced, shut down, or made to feel like we don’t matter.
I see it now, the fog has lifted, I’ve broken down the first barrier, but now comes the even harder part, figuring how to break down the steel box that still encases me. Wish me luck.
Has anyone had a similar experience? Does anyone else feel silenced? Any advice?
Thanks for reading, love Mackenzie
22 comments
Anger is good!!! It’s a catalyst for change, whether big or small. Just don’t bottle it up or you may become bitter. Let it all out and use it 😘
I see that now, it has just taken a long time! Thanks for your comment it means a lot.
i think our society doesn’t encourage us to express our anger even tho sometimes we really should – or at least use it as a stepping off point for thinking about why we are angry and what we should do about it. it’s always a bit of an epiphany to suddenly realise why we are doing something and then be able to think – yep i can fix that. good luck.
I wish you the best of luck. You are absolutely right — we all deserve a voice, we shouldn’t be silenced.
#GlobalBlogging
I can so relate to a lot of what you have written here. I hope you can work through it and feel better. x
#globalblogging
I think awakening is a good word. I think you might work on the guilt surrounding your feelings of not having acted the way you would have liked when the incident actually happened. But how could you have? You didn’t have the confidence then, or the equipment, to act as you wished you could have. But you are you NOW, and maybe there is enough power in the knowledge you can now act the way you wish to, and let that anger be expressed. In an empowering way … if this makes sense! #ABloggingGoodTime
It’s amazing isn’t it… what we stuff down and forget about, but then it keeps effecting us from under the surface. I’m so glad you were able to have that light bulb moment.
A very powerful post and it resonated with me with stuff I am going through at the moment. You are so articulate always and I do wonder whether it is the best communicators who are shut down by various forms of abuse because if they weren’t they really would shake things up a lot personally or in society as a whole. I want to hear more of you always so break through whatever walls exist. If will if you will! #Abloggingoodtime
So tue! I think sometimes it is gender related. Boys can be rambunctious and loud and girls are told to be polite and quiet and are rewarded more when they are. Girls need to be told it is OK to be angry and forceful and loud and rambunctious. Time to embrace those traits in girls and women!
Hello Mackenzie,
First of all, I wish you all the best.
Like you, I’ve also been trying to work on using my voice. I blame it on culture and upbringing, but I know I shouldn’t focus on that. Until now I’ve had many moments when, after incidents happening, I kept on wishing that I said this or that. At home within my nuclear family, I’m proud to say that I use my voice loud and clear. Outside, I still have work to do. I believe that it will take time, slowly but surely. So for you, it will take time as well. It may be slow, but we will get there. #AbloggingGoodTime
Best,
Sigrid
Hope all is well MG and know that there are a lot of people in the Blogosphere that have your back! My ah ha moment was a bit different, the realization that somebody else wan’t the person that I thought they were. Now go kick ass, you know that you can #blogginggoodtime
I can cetainly relate to this. And I find it hard to keep my balance when I allow myself to get upset, angry etc. So I think I fear feeling angry because I worry about getting stuck in that feeling. If you see what I mean?
I hope you can find constructive ways of using your anger for positive change! xx
#GlobalBlogging
Hey Mac, are you ok? As Jeremy says, there’s lots of bloggy pals here for you. Sending giant hugs and I’m hoping that your new state of mind will help to catapult you into a better place. For the better. No one should be silenced ever. Thanks for popping by the #dreamteam lovely xx
Absolutely love that you’ve had you AHA moment! Use your voice, loud and proud – you deserve to be heard and anger is sometimes a necessary response when others won’t heed you. #GlobalBlogging
This has really struck a chord. I often say I don’t get angry. However I also know I repress emotions quitoften and this is something I really need to work at #DreamTeam
That’s really horrible, but great that the group and the psychologist helped you find something important out about yourself, and how to deal with anger. #ablogginggoodtime
Oh Mac! Every time I read one of your posts I feel closer to you. Like we are kindred spirits or something. Or maybe we have just experienced a lot of the same things and we feel the same way about those things.
You know I’m a survivor of child abuse. When I started therapy 13 years ago, I was so full of rage and bitterness but didn’t know why it was there or how to stop it. I have a great therapist that I still see but when I first started she had to really work at getting me to recognize my own feelings. I was feeling things I didn’t know I was feeling. When you mentioned that the therapist had you try to remember how your body felt that really hit home for me. My therapist did that too and that was some of the hardest sessions I ever had with her. Mostly because I didn’t want to know what my body was feeling.
Now that I do though, my self-awareness is at an all-time high. I recognize when I’m stressed what my body is going through. Now I understand why my therapist did that. Our minds and bodies are one. We can’t deal with one without knowing what the other is doing. It’s all connected.
I was so not aware of myself and why I felt the things I felt. I was so disassociated that half the time I didn’t know WHAT I felt until the anger came out in a bad way.
You are amazing Mac and I’m sorry for the situation you went through but now that you know what is going on for yourself you will be able to be more in touch with your emotions both physically and mentally and that will empower you to fight for what you believe in. Keep this up my friend! You’re doing great! #ABloggingGoodTime
Back from #blogcrush
Mackenzie, this is a brilliant piece of writing and I totally relate to the feelings you are experiencing. I think now that you have identified the issue and have found your voice, you will not be silenced again, but you will grow in power and strength and elicit the most positive changes. Wishing you luck but also wishing you so much strength as you continue to discover more and more about yourself. You’ve got this, girl. You always have, you just didn’t realize it!
Shelbee
http://www.shelbeeontheedge.com
I know from a lot of therapy that anger can show up as sadness, which is much easier for us women to handle. Sadness, by the same theory, is anger we are holding in. As Elsa sang, we gotta LET IT GO! I’m am so sad this has shattered around you at the same time I was mulling about in the shattered glass too. I didn’t have a voice until about 35 years of age. Hard to shut me up now (aside from this past October). I’m loud, I’m proud, and I am here for you. And most of all, I HEAR YOU. I want to HEAR YOU. xoxoxo #dreamteam
I think experiences shape who we are and we all handle them differently and come to accept those experiences at different times, some of us don’t accept them at all. We can’t change what others have done to us or what we have done to other people but we can learn and grow from those experiences. We can take our knowledge and what we’ve learned and chose to either empower us or bring us down. It can lift us up and mold us into stronger, beautiful people or weaken us into vulnerable shells of despair. I’m glad I read your blog post because you’ve said so much without having to give details into your own “silenced” experience. #BlogCrush
When I read your first paragraph it completely resonated with me – I think our biggest problem is that we are conditioned to live the life and be the person that others want us to be, even if that is not the true person that we actually are. Always seeking approval and trying to keep others happy means that big parts of us get lost or disappear completely . I’m glad you got angry because that means you are feeling something which is always a good thing. Keep with it and I definitely look forward to reading more. #blogcrush
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