“Empathy is intuitive, but it is also something you can work on, intellectually.”

Tim Minchin

 

I am sure we have all been told that we shouldn’t judge others until we have walked a mile in their shoes, yet I am sure many of us have in fact judged others without even attempting to put even one of their shoes on. Raise your hand if you are guilty of this.

 

My hand is raised. I am not proud that I have judged other’s decisions, or the way they live, however I also accept that I am not perfect. Empathy isn’t always easy, sometimes it comes naturally to me, other times as Tim Minchin said, I have had to work on understanding other’s choices. Even if I ‘believe’ I would have acted differently to the person I may be placing judgement on, the truth is,  I know that unless I was living that persons exact life I could not say for certain I would be making a different choice to the one they made.

 

I agree with Tim Minchin that empathy is intuitive, I believe empathy comes easier to certain people than it does to others, whether that is genetic, or learned I cannot speculate. What I have found frustrates me is that even if it is not something that comes naturally, surely people can learn to be less judgemental?

Empathy needs to be a learned skill ideally in childhood, because despite being a beneficial skill in personal relationships it can also be a benefit in the work environment. People who are empathic tend to have happier relationships and greater wellbeing. Empathy allows us to be conscious other’s feelings or points of view, and assists us with our understanding of the needs of friends, co-workers and even clients. It not only assists with verbal understanding, it also helps us recognise nonverbal cues making us able to understand what is left unspoken.

 

 

“Never critize a man until you’ve walked a mile in his moccasins.”

American Indian Proverb.

 

Personally some of the naive beliefs I held have been challenged once I have in fact walked in the shoes of those I once judged. It is easy to judge, or feel self-righteous until you too are faced with the dilemma you once judged others upon. I remember when I was blissfully confident my boyfriend would never cheat on me, it was easy to look at friends who had been cheated on and think they were crazy for staying with their partner after they cheated, until it happened to me and suddenly life wasn’t so black and white!

It is so easy to sit back and judge, maybe it is an unconscious way to protect ourselves from worrying that we could ever find ourselves in a similar predicament? Maybe it is easier to think that somehow their ‘bad’ choices are responsible for their misfortune and we can take comfort knowing we would never allow ourselves to be in a situation like they are? Life is not that simple, it is just not that black and white.

Having empathy doesn’t mean you know what it feels like to go through something someone else may be dealing with, that is Sympathy. Empathy means attempting to imagine what someone else may think or feel, it is the ability to sense other people’s emotions. It is like a “what if”. What if that was me? What would I feel? What would I need or want from other’s if I was in this position?

So what inspired me to right this today? The truth is as I mentioned I am frustrated that some people can be so judgmental, or perhaps ignorant. Just the other day someone made a comment about what another friend was going through, basically insulting this person for a choice they had made, her words, “I would never do that.” We have all said it, we have all sat on our metaphorical high horse, but it is not OK. Instead of saying I would never do that, why don’t we begin to look at why this person may be making this choice, what has lead them to this moment, what have they been through? Maybe we should be asking how we can support this person instead of harsh judgements that just make them feel so alone.

So many of us want to be right, or want to be better, instead we should be wanting to be kind, we should be offering compassion and showing empathy. Ask yourself have you made these judgements before you perhaps were faced with these in reality?

 

I would never stay with a partner who spoke to me like that

 

I would never stay in my job if my boss made me work such awful hours

 

I would never let my child wear that

 

I would never let my child stay up that late

 

I would never stay if my partner hit me

 

I would never stay if my boss treated me that way

 

Or perhaps you have said;

 

When I am a parent I will never feed my children takeaway

 

When I am a parent I will never yell at them

 

I don’t understand how anyone could work go back to work when their child is so young

 

I don’t know how she can be a stay at home mum, I would never give up my career

 

Maybe you have said;

 

I don’t believe in marriage, only to find you want to get married

 

How could anyone want kids, only to end up having one yourself one day

 

I would never let my teen wear makeup only to be worn down by them and give in

 

I would leave the minute a boyfriend abused me, only to find yourself trapped

 

We make sweeping statements, and we don’t want to believe we could make mistakes or have bad things happen to us, but the truth is it is not only girls wearing short skirts in dark alleys that get raped. It is not only gang members that get shot, it is not weak people who suffer mental illness, it is not only kids from hard upbringings that become drug addicts.

Next time you find yourself judging others harshly, or making sweeping statements about someone else choices, stop and think, what if I did find myself in that situation? Would I want to be judged? Would I want other people telling me how that would never happen to them? Maybe we will never fully understand why others make choices that seem wrong to us, but try and open yourself up a little. We all need to feel accepted, supported and loved and making others feel isolated and stupid when they are already going through a tough time is pretty awful. So next time, just try a little empathy.

People don’t need to you to agree with their choices, or say you would have made the same choice, they just need to try and see things aren’t black and white in life, and they need you be there for them without being judgemental. 

Your thoughts?

Thank you for reading my blog today, Mac xx