Lately I have been thinking about what it is that makes us happy, I learned a long time ago that when you tell yourself you are not worthy of happiness then you certainly won’t find it! I have also come to realise that when you think happiness comes from external measures such as a new outfit, car, or jewellery then you will never quite reach ultimate happiness,  the issue with this type of happiness is it is gone almost as soon as it is gotten.

Happiness can be elusive, you feel if you climb up the mountain it will give you eternal happiness when you get to the top, when you reach your goal, perhaps find the partner you have always wanted, have children, get that dream job, have a better house than your enemy, or even your best friend, you believe that happiness will finally be yours only to discover it slip away all too soon.

My friend told me a while ago that he will be happy when people finally look at his life and say ‘wow he is so successful’. When people look at his home and think he has done so well in his life and business to own such a great home. We spoke again the other day and discussed how this happiness will always allude him, because there will always be a higher bar to set. There will always be someone with a more successful business, a larger, or more luxurious home. So is it that happiness is unattainable? Or is it that we are thinking of happiness as only being measured by those things which are tangible?

The problem with measuring only the tangible, or touchable things in our life means we are ignoring the things that matter even more when it comes to personal fulfilment and happiness, those things which are in fact intangible. The way others, or indeed ourselves feel can not be touched or even seen, feelings are intangible, yet they are very real! Love, gratitude, lust, happiness, joy, compassion are all intangible, yet they are the fabric of what is actually so important to our wellbeing and the way we experience life. A life with possessions, yet without feelings is never going to be a happy life.

There are examples of this reality everywhere if we care to look. I remember being in Vanuatu and seeing these children that appeared to have nothing if we were simply measuring the tangible, yet they were laughing, playing, singing, dancing and happily playing in conditions that many of us wouldn’t consider letting our children play in. I am not saying those children wouldn’t feel hardship, but what stood out to me was how happy they were with so little, because the truth is they only had little when it came to the  possessions that we obsess over. When it came to the intangibles like love, gratitude and fun they were the happiest little children I had ever seen. On the opposite spectrum we all know people who have the big home, or fast car that feel empty inside. If possessions, or financial success where the only way that we measured happiness then why are so many wealthy people so dam unhappy?

It is easy to be fooled with social media, it is easy to post on Facebook all our super happy holiday pics, or share filtered images of ourselves looking totally adorable on Snapchat, but we all know that is no one’s reality 24/7. I like to share pretty pics, but I am the first to admit that I am imperfect! If we were to rate how happy we think people are based solely on their Facebook and Instagram images I can guarantee we would not get it right. Social media is a place for us collect our favourite moments and memories, like a modern day photo album, social media is not an accurate snapshot of our entire life. Once I had a friend say to me that she was sitting posting images of her birthday lunch with friends on her Facebook and writing about how great her day was, when it hit her that she was sitting alone on her birthday night feeling incredibly alone and sad. It is important to make sure we actually check in with our friends to make sure they are feeling as good as their social media account may suggest.

Real life can even be a similar experience. We meet in the school playground each day, or at work, and we ask each other how we are, we smile and say we are great, we put on our makeup or some fab outfit and put our best foot forward. Some days it is our truth, we are great, other days we are barely holding our shit together. It is ok to engage in social chit chat, school pick up time, or grabbing a coffee from the work kitchen, isn’t the time to fall in a ball on the ground and start screaming that we hate our life, but it is ok to say actually I am not great, can we talk later, and please make sure you do talk later! (If someone says that are not ok, please make sure to follow up with them or check in on them).

In my own life journey, as I mentioned I have discovered that thinking I was unworthy of happiness was one of the largest factors that kept me from being happy. I also know that surrounding myself in pretty possessions gives me  joy, and certainly it brings me a sense of comfort, however it is not what my own happiness can be measured upon. My lovely home would mean nothing to me if I had no one to enjoy it with. I am not just talking about my family either. Yes I am fortunate to have the family who share my home with me and whom I love beyond what I can ever measure! What I have discovered however, is that it is living with compassion that brings me my truest happiness.

Without compassion, without treating others, (including strangers, or those with different beliefs than me), with compassion I can never be truly happy within myself. Although it may have started in a religious context, the idea of the ‘Golden Rule’, is that we treat others as we wish to be teated, or perhaps it should be explained as we don’t do things to others which we would not wish for others to do to us. Whether you are religious or not is irrelevant here, what I am saying is that I personally feel that when I do wrong by someone I cannot feel happy within myself. In no way am I saying we have to become people pleasers and blindly agree with everyone, or never say no to others, but perhaps we can show more empathy, respect and compassion for others than we currently do?

It is easy to be judgemental when people are different to us, it is easy to get sucked into participating, or spreading cruel gossip. It can be easy to put others down in order to feel better about ourselves, or at least think for a moment that we feel better about ourselves, only to realise later that we have not been true to our own values and end up feeling horrible about the way we have treated someone, (even if it is behind their back). We are not ‘perfect’ (whatever perfect is?) We stumble, we say, or do things we wish we could take back, sometimes we can, other times we have burnt bridges. We can’t beat ourselves up forever, what we can do is forgive ourselves and learn from what it is that is making us feel bad, or unworthy of happiness. I know I have made many mistakes as I have grown, and I know I will make more, we all will, however, what I have discovered is that when I live with compassion, and when I live true to what I value, I am at my happiest.

I am grateful for my home, and for many of my possessions, but for me happiness is found in the unmeasurable, in the intangible. What about you?

I’d love to hear your thoughts.

Mac