What is the difference between being a good person and being a push over? I am genuinely asking. Does standing up for what you believe in, or standing up for yourself mean that you are not being nice?
As a small girl I was encouraged to be polite, and being polite meant agreeing with people, and being quiet. My sister was very good at it, as I was often reminded when my parents would tell our guests how well behaved she was, how quiet she was, how they never had to tell her off, unlike their youngest daughter, (me). I had opinions, questions, I didn’t agree with everything, I didn’t stay quiet if I didn’t agree with something, but I soon learnt that if I wanted to be a ‘nice‘ ‘good‘ girl that is what I should do.
I lived with a constant struggle between being myself, and trying to be just like my sister. I think I actually stopped knowing who I was, I was more interested in trying not to be me, than discovering who I was, or what I truly wanted for myself.
My sister and I are two different people, similar in many ways, different in many others. I should have seen those differences as a wonderful thing, but instead I saw them as her blessings, and my curse. As a child, teen, and a young woman I couldn’t see that our individuality was what made us both beautiful and unique. I couldn’t see that my parents commenting on their well behaved daughter was not actually them saying I was ‘bad‘ somehow. My own two daughters remind me a lot of my sister and I. One is more outspoken and one is much more closed when it comes to voicing how she feels. They are also very similar, and yet so very different, it is what makes me love them as individuals. I do not want them to be the same.
As a child I thought my parents wanted me to be different, better, quieter, I couldn’t see that maybe they simply loved me for being me.
Through most of my twenties I let people walk all over me, even into my early thirties I was still reluctant to be my true self. When people were mean to me I just sat quietly. I thought that I had to keep the peace, I had to protect everyone else, and that I had to be the good girl just like when I was little. When there was conflict I went out of my way to resolve it, even if it meant going against my core values, even if it meant saying sorry for things that were not my fault.
I do not blame anyone for me having these thoughts of not being good enough, it was the way I interpreted the world around me. I took the things people said to me growing up to heart, I held on to them, I was a deep thinker, and I overanalysed everything. (I still do in many ways, old habits I am still trying to break.)
All this is on my mind because a friend of mine is in a very similar circumstance, she asked me my advice, should she apologise for something that she is not in any way at fault for just to keep the peace in a situation? If she does then she is going against her true self, but if she doesn’t then she risks a family rift. She asked me if it makes her weak if she continues to be walked over by people who are supposed to be supporting her, is she weak for not standing up for herself? Do we loose a bit of who we are every time we allow others to dictate what we should do, or how we act?
I was honest with her, I told her that right now I feel angry with myself for not standing up to the people in my life who walked over me, but at the same time it brought peace to others by me doing so. Is peace to others more important than peace within myself? Would I do it again? Does it make me weak, or does it make me strong because I was ‘the bigger person“? I honestly do not know. I told her I don’t feel I can help her with her decision because I am still not sure how I feel about mine.
Is standing up for yourself black and white, or is there some serious grey areas? Do you follow your heart? Your mind? Or your soul? Any advice?
Thanks for joining me, love Mac xx
14 comments
I have learnt to stand up for myself because if we don’t eventually the peace won’t sustain. It is not easy and certainly not always black and white but has to be done. At times it’s easy while at others it takes a lot of work.
In every relationship you pick your battles. The key question to me is what’s important in this situation with that person. Maintaining that relationship or being right or … There isn’t an easy answer. It depends on the person is and the history, the fallout from any conflict and the nature of the relationship.
We had something similar to your friend. We came to the conclusion that we didn’t have to apologise for anything we’d done because we hadn’t done anything wrong. We could acknowledge they were upset and be sorry for that. It didn’t work out entirely as we hoped but we felt we’d done as much as we could without compromising ourselves.
Half way through my fifties, I still struggle with boundaries, but am learning the value and freedom of a ten second awkward conversation in which I say “no”–compared to the angst and regret of a days, weeks, or months-long commitment that I did not want in the first place.
Good for you, Mackenzie, that you ‘re sorting all this out right now!
Its so important to stand up for yourself but it can also be so hard and you’ve explained it so well in how people lose themselves when trying to please others. A great post. Reading this has actually made me make a decision about something that I have been fretting over for the past few days so thank you #mg
Oh boy I really don’t know how to answer that one. I’m much the same, I’ve always been the quiet one putting my own thoughts and feelings aside to make others happy. But when it really matters I’ve stood up for myself. It’s a tough one and I’m afraid I don’t have the answer.
This is a bit tricky, isn’t it? I don’t like confrontations, so I tend to choose my battles. Sometimes I walk away from people – especially those who are highly confrontational – without explanation. Sometimes, I maintain my silence to maintain the peace. But I have my line – if someone crosses that, I will stand up for myself. I think it’s a fine balance to maintain between having strong boundaries and being a pushover and being super aggressive.
This is such a difficult scenario as there is always such a fine line between the two. When advising my teens I always encourage them to stay true to themselves and that is a value that I adhere to in my own life.
There is always an argument for turning the other cheek, but if it fundamentally sacrifices your own core values and sense of self then however tough the fall out may be I would say put yourself first and speak up.
Another interesting reflection Mac. Thanks for hosting and so glad your geek managed to sort out your PC. X
I told my kids to always stand up for what is right and their values. And if you have to fight for yourself. Also, I told them to always develop their skills and keep that inner fire burning. Thanks for hosting and have a wonderful week.
I think each one of us is a particular ‘type’. To some falling in with other people’s plans comes easily while others will always speak up. There really is no right or wrong as long as the child is polite and honest and doesn’t harbour any frustrations. Being true to your inner feelings is what is important.
I have always been an absolute pushover. I hate conflict and find that I will compromise and capitulate and go along with what other people want just because I don’t want to have a difficult conversation or an argument.
I have got better recently though. It’s tough. Pen x #mg
Having experienced this myself Mac, I do think that we lose a bit of ourselves every time we let others dictate how we should act. At the same time we also need to know when and how to pick our battles. With that being said, I don’t think your friend should apologize for something she didn’t do. This is something I learned years ago. I was taught, and not nicely to apologize for things regardless of whether I was wrong or not. I believe in being assertive without being aggressive. My family in particular still sees my kindness as weakness and they underestimate me all the time. Strangers can do that too. There is a balance with the two though. It can be hard to figure it out but once you do, it will become easier to say no and to stand up for your convictions. I no longer apologize for something I’m not responsible for and I don’t allow others to guilt trip me into saying or doing things I don’t want to do. It can be a hard lesson to learn but its so worth for your own peace of mind and well being:) #mg
What a great poser of a question, Mac. I was the good one, and my sister was always in trouble. I was the biggest people-pleaser, to a fault… and almost to my demise. Turns out, and you may find this hard to believe, I didn’t really speak my truth until i was 32. Yup, thirty-two. I got my voice, and I haven’t quieted down, since… I believe in kindness, truth, empathy, and standing up for what is right in a respectful way. xoxo Big hugs to you! From your loud-mouthed friend in the US! xoxo #mg
When it comes to family I am not afraid to be myself and tell people how I feel. However. in the workplace I’ve always thought that you have to be a people pleaser. There’s a great quote ‘Family, like branches in a tree, we all grow in different directions, yet our roots remain as one’ which applies to mine. #mg
I love this, and it really got me thinking. I was very much a pushover until my thirties, and then something inside of me finally snapped and I thought actually, I don’t want to be that person anymore! I cut a lot of negative people from my life and I stopped saying yes to things I didn’t really want to go along with, and I felt SO much better for it! I’m still kind and I still make sacrifices, but I draw the line at someone taking me for a ride! #mg
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