I am not sure I have ever felt comfortable with the notion that happiness is a choice. I can see the simplistic meaning behind this, but my problem with it is that for me it is too simplistic. Do we truly believe anyone would choose to be unhappy? Unhappiness is one of the worst possible ways we could ever feel, so why would we choose it? To me this common saying just belittles what many people are going through.
Some may say that certain people enjoy being unhappy, but I think that maybe we are assuming because a person is living a certain way (that differs from how we would), they must be unhappy, but perhaps they are not? For me, however, my dislike of these simple words comes from making it sound like anyone can just wake up and decide they are going to feel happy and magically they do! Sadly with grief, loss, mental illness and in many other circumstances also, it is just not that simple!
Would you really expect someone who just lost a parent, or a child to just say “hey I choose to be happy” and then they are? Of course not. You know that you cannot help but feel unhappiness, pain and sorrow if you lose a loved one, suffer a breakup, or have a lifelong loved pet pass away.
Everyone wishes to be happy, their life choices may not be aligned with yours, but trust me happiness is still what we all want. When it comes to Mental Illness there is a notion that ‘if you just stop feeling sorry for yourself, or stop focusing on the shit stuff, then you can choose to be happy”. I can not tell you how frustrating and naive this is! You can not tell someone suffering from the Flu who is sweating and aching to just stop it and plant a smile on their face and suddenly they’ll be like “wow why didn’t I think of that, now my Flu is cured”. It sounds ridiculous doesn’t it, because it is! Just the same as it would be ridiculous to tell an unconscious patient to snap out of it. A person with a mental illness wants to feel happy, there is nothing they want more! If they could choose happy they would!
I believe there is a hidden meaning here though. I believe that this saying is designed to have a positive effect on our mind, to make us think about what things we can do to help us head closer to happiness and healing. I think it is a saying that needs deconstructing.
There are things each of us can do to move closer to happiness, this is true for those of us who do not suffer mental illness, and for those of us that do. Having a good support network, time with friends, exercise, fresh air, connecting with people in person rather than on devices, smiling, getting the right amount of sleep, and for some people, the help of professionally prescribed medication. We can work towards the goal of being healthy mentally, we can work towards the pursuit of happiness, but to say we can simply choose to be happy, is quite frankly bullshit. Trust me that choice is already made, we want to be happy, but choosing it does not automatically make it so. It can be hard work, really incredibly hard work, for some it can be the biggest challenge they will ever face! They want it, we want it, I want it, and so we will continue to fight for it.
Happiness means a lot of different things to people, I think it goes deeper than the word, it is about seeking a life that is true to us, a life filled with honesty, authenticity, surrounded by friends who support one another, and it is about love. It is about giving, and not expecting in return, it is about having personal connections, it is about having a grateful heart, it is about forgiving and accepting ourselves, and it is a constant journey and personal evolution.
Your thoughts?
Mac xx
8 comments
Thanks, Mackenzie, for this update on the state of your heart.
Completely agree. No one choose to be unhappy (well almost no one). It’s not a choice. But there are definitely other factors at play.
I believe that some people are frustrated with their lives and don’t want others to succeed in life. I believe that if you try to be a decent person then people will want to be around you and help you. #ablogginggoodtime
I do agree with you. Happiness is a choice sounds good when you’re miffed something didn’t go your way – it can be a way to tell yourself to look at the bright side of things. But as a universal proclamation, it’s simplistic and naive.
Great post. I remember last year going through a tough time so I tried to appreciate the little things that made me happy. Travel, reading, spending time with my family. I know it is not that easy for a lot of people. But it definitely worked for me. #ablogginggoodtime
I don’t think anyone chooses to be unhappy but I don’t think some people know how to help themselves sometimes
Thanks for linking to #ablogginggoodtime
I think that choosing to be happy is a matter of perspective Mac. I’ll use myself as an example. I was unhappy my entire childhood, adolescence and most of my 20’s. Did that mean that I didn’t have happy times? No. I definitely did have happy times but the abuse I endured as a child had long standing effects on me. I suffered from serious bouts of depression most of my life, then after having my first child what I thought was post part-em depression (it may well have been there too) was or lead to PTSD. It was so bad Mac. Most of the time I felt like a monster was living inside me trying to claw its way out into the world.
But I had a little boy who needed me. He needed ME. Not the monster. That monster was the PTSD. The depression. The flashbacks and nightmares. Not to mention the Rage I felt. The resentment and hate I had for the whole world. It was a very dark place. I was falling deeper into a never ending black tunnel with no light in sight. And even as I struggled with this my son was diagnosed with Autism and I was still trying to better myself for him. I didn’t know how to though. My path led me to seek professional help and through that professional help I learned how to heal. Through the healing, I CHOSE to be happy. But it wasn’t until then that happiness became a choice for me. And this is not to say that therapy is the only answer either.
This doesn’t mean though that I’m never sad. On the contrary, I’ve actually learned to embrace my sadness, to feel it in the moment. Feel what I feel because only then can I move forward. Only then can I let the sadness go and be happy again. We all have our bad days. Happiness doesn’t mean we won’t ever be sad or angry or depressed again.
So, in that way I do agree with you that when someone is so depressed or angry, they can’t be happy. It isn’t a choice for them because they aren’t able to see the light at the end of the tunnel. That’s okay. I think when people say you can choose to be happy they aren’t expecting you to pull a rainbow out of thin air and magically you’re happy. Choosing to be happy to me, means knowing that you can be, knowing that you have a Right to be, then working towards whatever happiness you seek.
I would never expect anyone who experienced a loss, especially a loss of a child, to jump for joy the next day. Anyone who says something about them choosing to be happy after losing a loved one is just an ass and they need to be completely ignored because of their sheer ignorance. Happiness does take time to learn, to accrue. It takes works for those of us who have spent a lifetime in the darkness just fighting to survive but it is possible to get there. If the person really wants it.
I do agree with you on one level but my personal experience and my personal journey has shown me a new perspective and I hope that when people say to you that you can choose to be happy, that you remember that happiness for most of us takes work, understanding, and time. I love your thoughtfulness in this Mac. And I do understand where you’re coming from.
I know there are so many people out there who don’t have a choice. I think of people who are being abused. Kids growing up in the inner cities here in the states where education is horrid and the streets are worse. There are so many situations where people will not be happy. For me though, the choice came AFTER the trauma was over. Does that make sense? I hope so. As always though, love your thoughts! #ABloggingGoodTime
Thank you beautiful for taking the time to write this and share you experience, I like how you say the choice comes after the trauma. Wise words from a beautiful soul xx
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