I’ve Lived!

There is so much in my life that I want to do, things I want to learn, passions I want to explore, chances I want to take. I once spent time writing out a Reverse Bucket List, which for those of you unfamiliar with the term, is instead of listing the things I want to do, I wrote a list of was many things as I could think of that I have done. It was actually pretty amazing to see how much was on that list. Until you sit down and actually note all the experiences and adventures you have had it is almost as if you forget just how much you have lived!

Here’s just a small portion of that list;

  • swam with Sting Rays in the wild
  • graduated university
  • gave birth
  • parasailed
  • started a blog
  • assisted a dog giving birth to breech puppies
  • rode an elephant in the jungle
  • climbed mountains
  • star gazed
  • lived on my own
  • stayed up all night dancing
  • cuddled a Koala
  • held a snake twice as long as my height

That’s just a start, a reverse list can include negative and positive experiences as they have all shaped us. I think owning the pain, sitting with the bad stuff and still saying “that didn’t break me!” Is a powerful part of truly feeling alive.

Still there is so much I long to do, and sometimes I do feel a little framed ‘by a picket fence and salary‘ metaphorically speaking. (Those are lyrics from a song by the band powderfinger.) I struggled with this last year, this longing to experience something different, to take more risks, to move and live more of the type of life I crave. What if tomorrow it was all over (yes morbid way to think)? Would I regret not taking some of the chances I want to take?

Last year, we were about to leap and I got cold feet, afterwards it felt like the right choice. I was still sad that I didn’t take the chance, but it felt like we’d made the right decision. Following that decision life took a surprising turn, nothing to do with the decision, but I was struck with severe anxiety. I clearly remember thinking Thank Goodness we stayed, because the support from friends and family was beyond what I had expected and I’m not sure how we would have all coped had we not had that support base.

That support base is why we ultimately stayed, and our children’s school, and that was a decision we made before we knew we would need it. Yet here I am again feeling like I am hemmed in. It leaves me with a yucky feeling, a guilt almost. I have so much to be grateful for right where I am, but my heart isn’t here It is here with the people, but not with where we are.

I keep telling myself to be patient, that once the children are out of school we can make the changes, does the grass just seem greener on the other side? Will I always be unsettled? I have asked myself this before, I still don’t have the answer.

All I know is I hope in the end, (a long, long, long time away), I can say I Lived!

Thanks for reading my ramblings as I ponder my thoughts. Love, Mackenzie xx

MusingsOfATiredMummy