When my daughter was a mere six years old she experienced her first real heartbreak. She had made a beautiful connection with a girl in her kindergarten year, despite having very different cultural backgrounds my daughter and her friend were like two peas in a pod. They giggled, sang, played make believe and helped each other through being bullied by another little girl, and being chased by annoying boys, (their words, not mine). They also bonded over the fact that their mums were both pregnant and then later gave birth to baby brothers. They fell in love with one another, it was the kind of friendship every parent wants their child to have.
When they transitioned to ‘big’ school, they were the only two children to go from their kindergarten to this particular school, purely by coincidence they were both enrolled in the same school and had to pass a test and interviews to get in. Both families were thrilled to know the girls had each other, and we developed a wonderful friendship with this family. The girls stayed just as close through their first year of school, we shared pick ups and drop offs, my car was filled with chatter and loud singing alongs to the Charlie and Lola soundtrack.
When I attended the school parent/teacher interviews, the teachers spoke so positively about the girls friendship, noting how beautiful and supportive they were of one another, and how there was no dominant and submissive roles, they were simply equals, and so happy together.
Sadly at the end of the year, the little girls father got offered an amazing job opportunity far away, and decided to take it. After two years of happiness and security with one another these two little girls had to say goodbye. My daughter cried the weeks leading up to her friend leaving, and then every night after that for the entire summer. Her heart was truly broken, her world seemed uncertain.
“just because children are tiny, it doesn’t mean their feelings are”
The following year she strengthened a bond with another girl whom she had known in her first year of school and played with occasionally. Eventually they became inseparable. They played in a large group, but their bond soon strengthened and they spent every minute they could together, including weekend sleepovers. They looked very much alike, the same height, same hair colour, and length, teachers would get them confused.
Every year, since 2010 they have been in the same class, people don’t mention ‘one’ girl without mentioning the other. They are individuals with their own hobbies, and strengths, and as they have grown her friend has gotten taller and they look less alike, but still they have an incredible bond. There is no denying that my daughter has been blessed with two amazing best friends in her life!
Next year her best friend is changing schools, she will now be attending an all girls school near the city where her sisters go. My daughter is devastated. Not only that, but two of her other closest friends are also moving on to new schools. There is no denying this is a hard time for my thirteen year old daughter.
We live in a society where the greatest romance and loves of our lives are ‘meant’ to be those with whom we desire, or with our ‘Prince Charming’. Our little girls watch Disney movies where Princes’ rescue them from evil step sisters, poisoned apples and giant sea creatures, and then go on to live happily ever after. Well first of all our daughters don’t need to be rescued by a male as they can rescue themselves, but secondly they have other great loves in their lives and that is their bestest friends.
Childhood friendships are, (besides family love), the first love our children experience, it is pure, motivated by joy, acceptance and fun. I know as an adult that my friendships with my girlfriends are so important to me, having friends who just ‘get me’ and who have my back are truly precious!
I think we often underestimate how important our children’s friendships are to them. We play them down, thinking they are sweet and cute, but we don’t realise that these friendships are shaping them as well as making them feel loved, accepted and secure. When those friendships end, due to moving away, fights, or just growing apart, we as parents need to understand just how upsetting this is for our children!
Have you ever had your heart broken? Have you ever lost someone you love dearly? If you have then you will understand how painful that is. You wouldn’t want someone to dismiss your feelings. Just because our children are little, it does not mean their feelings are small, their feelings are just as real as ours, and they often have less ability to process those feelings. When a child experiences a broken heart we need to help guide them through this painful time.
Here are a few tips to help you guide them through.
- Acknowledge that their feelings are real.
- Allow them the time to grieve this relationship.
- Let them know that it is normal to feel hurt, even betrayed, and sad.
- It is OK to cry and let their feelings out.
- It is OK to feel angry.
- Let them know you are there for them.
- Be available for hugs and chats.
- Help channel their feelings into positive action, like drawing, gardening, playing with pets, swimming, playing sport.
- Advise them to keep a journal.
- Be patient, they may have mood swings.
- Plan a fun day for just you and your child.
- Help give them skills to make new friends.
- Don’t tell them they are overreacting, or belittle how they feel. Don’t tell them to just get over it.
- Set up some future play dates with some other children whose company your they enjoy.
Heartbreak at any age hurts, but with kindness, support and love they will get through it. Do you have any advice to share? Has your child ever had their heartbroken by a friend? Have you? Feel free to share in the comment section below.
Thank you for joining me, love Mac xx
22 comments
I remember my first friendships, I also formed it at kindergarden and we then attended the same primary school but split when we went on to high school – that was tough. You are so right in saying that children have feelings and what they feel emotionally is a big deal and we as adults should understand that. Perhaps, you should try and keep in touch with those friends who left so that they can continue to communicate. Although they might not be seeing each other every day or weekend – they can still continue with this friendship.#Dreamteam
I felt heartbroken for her just reading this! How sad and I hope she will find her soulmate again too. I will bear all your tips in mind for the future. I worry my eldest is quite sensitive. Thanks for sharing with #bloggersbest x
Children’s feelings are so big and we often forget that because we are tired or we think they will just forget anyway, but their feelings matter.
oh forgot to say thanks for hosting #ablogginggoodtime and also stopping by from #coolmumclub
I love this post so much – it’s true our children’s feelings can be enormous but sometimes they can find them so hard to navigate and it’s up to us as parents to help guide them through the tough times. Thanks for linking up to #coolmumclub lovely xoxo
Those first friendship can be so intense and it’s easy to forget that as an adult. There’s some really good advice here and hopefully they can maintain some of those old relationships in the new school as well making new ones.
Hope you’re well 🙂
I’m dreading this when my little girl finishes pre school and goes to primary school. She has made a lovely group of friends in preschool but because this is on site we’re I work all the children will then split up and go to schools closer to home. Hopefully she will be strong enough to make new friends because she is so shy #ABloggingGoodTime
This is such a good reminder. My kiddo is a foster soon to be adopted. I have people who try to talk over her head. She is not stupid. She knows what they are saying. We are very honest with her developmentally appropriately of course, it is her life. She should not have surprises.
#ablogginggoodtime
Wow – I love this post Mac. I have never really thought about this before and now feel bad that i may actually have been a little dismissive of my eldest’s friendship with a girl. I keep thinking they will go their separate ways but 3 years in and they are still ‘best friends’ more than ever. I worry because of him being a boy and her being a girl that it’s going to get complicated and they may be ridiculed as they get older…. I will try really hard to be so very patient about all of this and keep this post in mind whenever things crop up on this topic now. xx #ablogginggoodtime xx
I love this post. So true. It breaks your heart when you see your kids hurting. I love your tips above for things to remember. Thanks again for sharing!
#ablogginggoodtime
I named my daughter after my first ever friend. A friendship so close, I cried and cried for months when her family moved away when we were 10. She taught me about laughter, the sillies, sharing, caring and looking out for one another. My daughter had a similar friendship but tragically, her friend died aged 13. You are right that our children feel the same emotions that adults do; love, grief, sadness, anger, loyalty. 5 years later, my daughter can talk about her lovely friend with happiness and fondness. You never forget your first real friend. Lovely post. #ablogginggoodtime
Beautifully written and so insightful. It is easy to forget the intensity of those early friendships. Wonderful advice #ablogginggoodtime
Very beautifully explained.Its difficult for children but thats also part of life.Acknowledging that their feelings are important definitely helps. #Ablogginggoodtimes
This is so true. My son made a bond with a little boy at pre-school but when they went on to primary they went to different schools – he was really upset at the time and spoke of his “best ever friend” – he still talks about him often. Sarah #abloggingoodtime
Great post – be it at the expense of your daughter’s feelings. You know, I almost think it’s worse for children to lose special people/animals. They don’t have the “worldly” knowledge to understand that grief is normal and they will get through it. To them, this is their entire life coming to an end in one moment. As your daughter grows into a teenager, I hope she comes into herself and is able to make more friendships and is not jaded by the losses she has suffered.
#ablogginggoodtime
Katelynn, hampersandhiccups.com
This is lovely. My friendships have always been much more important to me than my relationships (sorry hubs!) and I count my blessings that I have an amazing group of girls I can rely on for anything! #ablogginggoodtime
I feel like the tinier the person, the bigger their feelings are. If we don’t value their feelings when they are small, they won’t trust their instincts when they are adults! Fantastic post! #DreamTeam
This made me recall how I was once best friends with a girl and it was us against the world. This friendship broke apart in secondary school and I’ve only let a few people in. Often this is one at a time and never a huge group. #ablogginggoodtime
Such a thought provoking post . My friend at primary left and I was unbearably heartbroken…. Remember what a huge deal it was for me back then. #ablogginggoodtime
My daughter’s best friend moved away for a year and she was so excited when she came back. Sadly five months later the family left again, for three years on the other side of the world. Second time around has been much harder for her to deal with.
It’s very hard to know how to support a child in this situation and I think your checklist is really helpful – thank you :o)
#MMBC
I remembered the first time i had to leave the town and leave behind eight year long friendships because of that. It was heart breaking. I was 15. I cried for months… Getting used to the new town and new friends took a long time..
Comments are closed.