When a friend, partner, or co worker share a story with us we may be listening, but the majority of the time our thoughts start to wonder, we start thinking about ‘our own story’, we start remembering how a similar thing happened to us, or perhaps someone else we know. We may say “oh yes that happened to me,” or “I know exactly how you feel.” Would it surprise you to know that the minute you start trying to share your own story is the minute you stopped listening? As soon as you want to jump in and share your related story, or offer advice you stop listening. It becomes about your needs and not theirs.
I hate seeing people in pain, I always want to “fix” it. I want to jump in with some wise advice and help, (because I am oh so wise, not, lol) but that is not about them, that is making it about ME. It is ‘my need’ to want to fix things, it is ‘my need’ to want to stop their pain.
Good listening skills are not the same as good fix it skills. Not everyone shares their story in order to have their issue or problem solved, they share because they need to get it off their chest. They may just want to hear it said out loud, or have someone say “I am here for you“. If my friend’s marriage is breaking up, I can not fix that. I can offer advice and refer her to the right help, but she may not need that. If my friend asks me “hey Mac can you offer me advice on this issue?” Then sure I can, but we sometimes need to learn to wait until we are asked. We can say “I am here for you and if you ever need advice or an opinion then ask me.” But we have to respect their rights and their wants.
Sometimes a friend, our child, or a person we work with, just needs to be listened to. I know sometimes I feel stressed about something and I just want my husband to listen. He’ll say “I don’t know what to say to fix it” and I will tell him, “I don’t want you to fix it, I just need you to listen“. When someone listens to us we are better able to work through our own thoughts and often come up with our own solutions.
Sometimes we just need to be silent, to not add our own story on top of theirs.
Now I am not advising you just sit there, you need to show you are listening. A great way to do that is paraphrase back to them what you are hearing. For example.
Julie says “It was so horrible, I couldn’t believe she said that to me, how dare she tell me my daughter has no manners”!
You say, “No manners?”
Julie says, “Yes, she said no manners and I was so angry, I felt like she is the one with no manners . . . .” and Julie will continue to talk.
In this example just by repeating back her words in a questioning tone, Julie feels like you are listening and she keeps sharing her story. Now imagine this same conversation, but instead of you asking “no manners” you say,
“oh I know my sister once said that about my son and I was so hurt”.
You may think you are showing Julie you are listening, but you have actually now stopped listening and are now sharing your own story.
The majority of the time at work, or in the playground you are just having a social conversation and you don’t need to go into deeper listening. When I drop the kids at school I am always engaging in “social chit chat” and that is the perfect thing to do. Same goes for a coffee break at work, you engage in social conversation of back and forth talking. Social chatting is fun for both parties and it is a great way to get to know new people too.
But when a friend calls you because she or he is really upset and needs you to listen, that is the time to apply those listening skills and hold off on your own story. A good friendship will allow you both this time. No one can always be the listener, we all need to be heard and we all deserve to be heard.
Welcome to this weeks #mg link up party!
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13 comments
This is a great post. At times I am guilty of comparing or telling my stories when a friend is telling about her problem. I should change that habit. On the other hand, I do have friends who are guilty of same. We really should learn to listen and empathise and show compassion.
When I worked at a care home we use to have training on active listening because it is such an important skill but one many people dont have. #MG
UGH!
I do this!
And I’m such a “fixer” by nature, that I struggle to just listen and silently commiserate (or pray, for heaven’s sake!). I SO appreciate this wise meditation on the importance of just keeping my mouth shut and my ears and heart open.
I know what you mean, my mum always tries to fix things for me and sometimes I just don’t want to hear solutions, i just want to moan! I’m guilty of it myself too with other people though. I think I try to fill silences so it doesn’t become awkward. #mg
I love this post, so very true. I recently was talking to my husband about how I was feeling and he automatically started to worry about how he could make me feel better, but he was making me better by just simply listening if that makes sense. #mg
Truly listening is an art – one that I think a lot of us are losing. I used to like to jump in an fix things for friends, but I’ve stopped myself from doing that unless asked. Now I just hold space and listen, unless someone specifically asks me for advice.
I loved this post and it resonated with me on so many levels. When I was a student, I trained on a telephone helpline and had a good deal of active listening training. These are all sound techniques. I’m terribly guilty now of not doing it. There’s a number of reasons. One is that I’m an INFJ introverted personality type, so it’s easy for me to be overwhelmed practically by the volume of information I take in, but also because emotionally I feel things deeply when I do. It makes me prone to taking on others problems so now have a multiple tiered approach to listening, deploying actively listening when it’s really needed and not all the time which was proving a bit exhausting. Sometimes we all just need someone to listen and really hear us, not offer a solution or take action. Another great linky week!
Listening is such a skill. I so wish I was better at it but I’m doing my best to learn.
Wise words and I’ve been so guilty.
I have been trying to do this much more recently as I definitely have a tendency to want to solve people’s problems! Great insight as always 💕 Thank you for hosting #mg
Listening and being easy to talk to; are some of the biggest compliment your friends/family can give you! You are right when you say that just by picking owrds from the ocnversation and inserting them back – leads to a more meaningful perspective of the hearing!
Lovely post MG – your topics are quite novel; make me wanna spin off a post on the same further 🙂
Sometimes the answers and actions to go along with these things are within us we just need to speak them out and know we are supported. #mg
I, admittedly, am a fixer too. And it is so hard, as I am sure you can imagine. I have been practicing this for a long time, and I must say, I agree 1000%. Being a good listener is sometimes the very thing needed. Beautiful post! I suppose I am a fixer in remission? #mg xoxo
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