I am not the mum I thought I would be. It isn’t an easy statement to make, but it is the truth. I had dreams of making homemade playdoh and baking cookies after school. Creating amazing arts and crafts and never having to raise my voice, yep let’s face it I failed miserably! I thought I would never need my own space, or be desperate to have my children fall asleep and not come out of bed fifty thousand times, (OK yes slight exaggeration, but some nights it seriously feels like that, like when I’m trying to watch The Walking Dead!) I wanted to be the perfect mother, devoted and selfless and look fab whilst doing it.
My fantasy was quickly shattered, suddenly I had the most beautiful baby in the world, only she didn’t seem to ever stop crying, well unless she was on my boob, which meant almost zero sleep for me. I thought I could handle no sleep, I mean couldn’t I survive on love alone? No I couldn’t, no matter how much I loved my baby girl I soon discovered I didn’t function well on barely any sleep. I wasn’t eased into motherhood, Aspen let me know I had arrived into the world of motherhood like being slapped in the face. I felt so guilty, I desperately wanted sleep, and a shower without a baby crying in her swing next to me, I mean is it too much to ask to have a moment to myself and maybe smell nice? Clearly according the the world of Aspen it was.
It got easier though, Aspen eventually learnt to sleep without me holding her, and I started to enjoy her even more. I never had trouble loving her though, in fact it was more the opposite. As much as I craved a little space I couldn’t actually stand being away from her. I struggled to let anyone else look after her for a decent amount of time. I put a lot of pressure on myself to be the one person that would never let her down. It was probably the biggest shock of motherhood for me, the amount of love I had, and the mother lion type protectiveness that overcame me (seriously I think I morphed into one).
I was more at ease with April and Adam, I welcomed any help, but I still felt I had to live up to the standards of ‘the perfect mother’, well my version of the perfect mother, (you know the one with a baby in one arm, a healthy dinner on the table and a clean house to match). After baby number three though I had to come down to reality, I just couldn’t be Super-Mum. This was hard for me to accept, really hard. I wasn’t living up to my expectations. I ignored the fact that my children were happy, healthy and just all-round amazing little humans and just focused on the things I was doing wrong (not doing enough arts and crafts like making one of those amazing Play School masterpieces with old boxes, or spending hours having picnics with teddy bears). It was becoming clear that I was not the type of mum I thought I would be!
I discovered I didn’t have much of a tolerance for playdoh when I started finding little bits fit all over my house, nor did I have much tolerance for my children cutting paper into tiny pieces that covered the floor, arts and crafts were slowly, but surely driving me insane. My children however are very arty, so as much as I have been a terrible mother and denied them over the years they have won out and we have many inspired creations decorating our home.
I am not the mother I dreamed I would be, and at times I feel like I have let myself and my children down. When they started kindergarten I stopped and thought “oh my gosh have I done enough”? “Have I cherished every moment”? “Was I silly to worry about mess”? But the fact is I am a great mum. So what if I want them to stay in bed at night, and so what if I don’t bake cookies after school, or let them paint the walls, I am and always have been there for them.
I make them giggle everyday with my quirky songs, my funny dancing or by making the dog talk to them, I have endless cuddles for them, when they are sick I am there soothing them, I baked them birthday cakes, I have played endless board games, read thousands of books, and I tell them I love them several times a day. I don’t need to be anyone but their mum, they love me for me, as I love them for them. Being hard on myself is not going to make me a better mum, I am uniquely me, their quirky, loving mum and they are my amazing, funny, talented, craft loving kids, and I wouldn’t change them for the world! I may not be the mother I dreamed I would be, but my kids are awesome anyway!
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Is motherhood what you expected? Are you the type of mother or father you thought you would be? Love to hear your thoughts.
Thanks for joining me, love Mackenzie xx
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54 comments
I’m certainly not the Mum I thought I’d be, parenthood reality is far removed from that picture I carried in my head before the kiddos arrived!
as is mine, but I think we need to see all the amazing things we’ve brought into their lives even if they are not what we thought they’d be. Thanks for linking up xx
I kind of knew I don’t have a lot of patience and I can be a bit arsey so when I ended up being like that I wasn’t surprised really. This is a lovely post though as it so doesn’t matter about all those extra things. Kids being loved, warm and happy is all that matters and you sound like an amazing Mum. Thanks for hosting xx #mummyandus
Awe thank you, I try!
No. I’m definitely not the mother I intended to be! While I was teaching (pre-motherhood), I had a lot of patience. With my own child, my patience often flies out the window. I’m not sure why that is, but it’s no fun! I’m working on it. Like you, I can be super critical of myself and focus on only the things I do incorrectly. You’ve inspired me to focus more on the good things I do as a mommy! Thanks, Mac! #mummyandus
oh great I am so glad I can get you focussing on the great mum you are!
I’m not the parent I thought I would be, but is anyone?! I’m working on trying to be better whilst being less critical of myself. Thank you for hosting #mummy&us
we really should be less critical
Love this take on motherhood! We are all just doing our best and likely doing a great job in the process. 🙂
As long as they are loved they will be happy!
All so true! I, too, had that moment of panic when my eldest started kinder…had I done enough? It is SUCH an adjustment from work to babies (the hardest bloody job I’ve ever done!!). Great read; so important to know others feel the same way. Thanks, Anna #TwinklyTuesday
I agree it’s a hard job, but I wouldn’t change it! Although I do wish my kids had been better sleepers as babies, I may have just been a bit more sane
You sound like the perfect mum to me. You do art, crafts, sing, your kids are smiley, happy and healthy and you yourself are even human! Give yourself a pat on the back – can you feel me giving you are virtual one?
Oh thank you lovely, what a sweet comment, I guess I don’t always feel like a great mum, half the time I feel like an exhausted one, but we do have fun and plenty of hugs xx
I blame all the other parents for making it look easy and lulling us into a false sense of what is possible! (Them, and the adverts!) Even if you are not the mum you thought you would be, I bet you are actually the best mum ever to your kids! #TwinklyTuesday
haha yes those adverts don’t help us do they! Thanks for your encouragement xx
Motherhood is sort of what I expected, just ten thousand times harder ;). Yes, I don’t think any human being can be prepared to be a parent. You just go with the flow and try the best you can. There is no possible way we can be the ‘perfect parent’ (whatever that is) all the time. We would burn out very quickly if we were that. #TwinklyTuesday
thanks Kelly, I think you are so right we would burn out very quickly. I think that is what was happening to me
Sounds like you are an awesome Mummy with much love and fun between you and the kids #TwinklyTuesday
we do have fun, thanks
Oh my goodness, I think we were the exact same first time Mum!! I feel sorry for the person I was that time it’s totally unsustainable and feels very lonely!!
You sound like an amazing mama who clearly has SO much love for your family! Xx
yes it is sad looking back and knowing how hard we were on ourselves, thanks for your thoughts, means a lot
oh no, this has totally opened up my floodgates. I’m typing through tears. It’s funny how when you read something that hits exactly how you feel there’s a massive wave of emotion. It’s not sadness, it is complete and utter relief that I’m not alone. I often feel surrounded by perfect mothers, I often feel utterly inadequate, in a fog of exhaustion. I then feel endless guilt for not enjoying it more, not doing enough. But it sometimes feels that’s just the package of motherhood. It’s not perfect. If it was it would all be a little too Stepford Wives wouldn’t it?!?! x
I so glad you realise you are not alone! You really are not! I think sometimes we don’t know how to be honest, we are scared if we are that other people will judge us or look us strangely. It can feel so lonely at times, and many times I have felt like a failure, but we are who we are, doing the best we can do and to our kids it is more than good enough. We shouldn’t put such high expectations on ourselves. hugs to you xo
I think very few of us are the parent we thought we’d be! My son cried all the time too and I found early motherhood overwhelming. It all changes though, as you know. We have to learn to be happy to be the best mum we can logically be. #twinklytuesday
so true. So hard when they cry so much.
Great post and I could relate to so much of it!! #mummyandus xx
thanks lovely xx
Great post! I feel like motherhood has been kicking me in ass for over 20 years…and it’s been worth every minute. I think we’re always too hard on ourselves as mothers…and perfection is over-rated 🙂
20 years good on you, I can see that motherhood will continue kicking my arse too lol
Definitely not! I could have done better but no matter we tried hard, we just can’t be a perfect mum because there’s no such a thing… although I totally agree, we can be a unique and great mum that our kids would love us to be. Great post! by the way, your kids are adorable! #mummyandus
oh thank you! Yes all we can be is our unique selves
This a such a lovely post! A lot of the things you describe are very similar to how I felt and continue to feel with a now 2yr old. I think its completely normal to be bowled-over by motherhood and overwhelmed by the feelings and responsibilities it brings with it. I think we all focus on what we aren’t doing a lot of time (I know I do!) and sometimes don’t look at all the positive things we are doing 🙂
#mummyandus
2 years old, so sweet, I miss that age, but every age is wonderful and hard isn’t it. Enjoy and be yourself xx
I’m in the first year of motherhood and am putting in place expectations of play doh and more so I’m unsure I can answer your question yet. What I’ve so far found is that she looks to me for reassurance and though she may be little she has us wrapped around her little finger! #mummyandus
they certainly wrap us around their finger
Nice post Mac, we are all our harshest critics. I am far from perfect and constantly beat myself up. We need to step back and put things in perspective. It doesn’t help having all the ‘you should’ articles out there. I do most things I thought I would never do and you know what, my kids are awesome too.
I think you are an awesome mummy and an awesome blogger xx
Fantastic post and one I completely relate to! Especially in those first four months I really struggled with not living up to my own expectations of the ‘perfect mother’ and felt I was being judged – when really I was the only one doing the judging. I’m a little bit of a neat freak too, so living in chaos does not sit well with me, but at the same time I do want to encourage creativity and that means mess I guess. I am getting better as mine’s only ten months now, but I know that I may struggle when the play doh comes out! The fact that we worry means that we are fab mums x
yes we are fab mums. It can be hard being a neat freak can’t it? 10 months how beautiful xx
I can totally empathise with this! I am so NOT like the crafty, expert mums you see on Pinterest – motherhood hit me in the face like a brick wall.
#abitofeverything
Thanks I am glad I’m not the only one!
Being a mom is the most challenging thing we can experience isn’t it!.
And we all have different ways how we do things, and what suits one mother doesn’t necessarily suit another, doesn’t mean it’s the wrong way.
You sound like an awesome mom 🙂 x #TwinklyTuesday
oh thank you xx
I can’t believe that I have just read this after having the (homemade) play doh out. It’s brought me out in a rash and has just gone in the bin! I am officially awful at anything makey- doo and yet somehow believed that by being a mum I would morph in to an art teacher. When he’s older he will remember the cuddles, the bedtime stories and the laughs. Not necessarily how good I was with glitter and a glue stick. Yours look perfectly happy with what you are doing/who you are x
So true, we won’t remember the glitter glue, thanks for the pep-talk xx
There are so many pressures and expectations on mums these days, its easy to think you dont live up to what a ‘perfect mum’ should be.
But just as our kids are all wonderful unique individuals, so we in turn should celebrate being wonderful unique (and bloody brilliant) parents.
Thank you for linking up #abitofeverything
So true, I embrace their uniqueness, and I should embrace mine
I felt the same, I thought everything would be picture perfect, that we’d all do fun things all the time, I’d have more energy, but let’s face it, that’s not reality! I feel your pain with trying to watch The Walking Dead or Sons of Anarchy – why do they need to wake up then?!!! Great post Mackenzie x
My mummy is certainly NOT the mother she thought she’d be… (Hopeless) it was a bit better than she imagined, she has mothering instincts she didn’t realise we’re there! #TwinklyTuesday X
oh thank you for commenting baby Isabelle, I am sure she is a great mummy
Gosh I could have written this! About once a month, I have a day where I become all ‘supermum’ and we make cakes / make our own playdough, go for walks in the rain and generally do lovely bonding things. The rest of the time I count down the minutes until bedtime or watch a lot of CBeebies! We are great mummys – we just acknowledge that it is hard and we are not prepared to run ourselves into the ground for it – because then we definitely wouldn’t be very good mummys! #abitofeverything
I love this post, I hope our boys look back and think I was a great Mum but it is so hard, fitting in work , life and all of life pressures x
We’re never the mother’s we plan to be, but we love our kids more than anyone else could 🙂
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