Like a thick white blanket, heavy and laden with confusion and uncertainty the fog rolled into my world. Life as I had known it for the past ten years was changing drastically. I was no longer needed at home they way I had been. My little boy had started kindergarten and I knew it was only a short time until he would join his older sisters at school.
I felt like the fog had surrounded me, I couldn’t see who I was if I wasn’t mummy 24/7. I couldn’t even imagine anything else I would want in my life than to be mummy. It felt like every moment had led me to the moment I gave birth to Aspen 10 years earlier. The moment I could look at this perfect little baby and devote every waking minute to her happiness, care and nurturing. I had dreamed of being a mum since I could remember and after a hard journey to get pregnant, and carry a baby safely to term, I had finally been delivered my miracle.
When Aspen started kindergarten I had a 22 month old to keep my days occupied, and when she started school I had a newborn baby boy. But when that baby boy turned 4 years old, he left for kinder and there was no new baby at home filling my arms.
I felt lost, not just a little lost, really lost. I knew deep down it was not about wanting another baby. I am so blessed with my three children. (Although I have gone crazy lately adopting rescue animals, so I have loads of extra babies now, that thankfully don’t need night feeds or nappy changes). I think it was a state of grief. I had to grieve for that stage of my life. It was a point I had looked forward to for so long, that I hadn’t even imagined what would come next.
I realise that it wasn’t that my ‘mummy job’ was over, oh no they still need me, and are still demanding believe me! But I suddenly had to stop and take a look at ‘ME’, at my life and what I needed in order to feel fulfilled.
So a year ago the fog rolled in, and it was thick. I felt almost suffocated by it. I couldn’t even put my finger on why. All I knew was that I could barely see through it.
I almost lost sight of the suns rays. I couldn’t feel them on my face and I truly wondered if I would find them through the thickness of the cloud.
There were glimpses, but not enough. I felt really sad, deeply sad. I didn’t know how to see myself as someone whose needs mattered. It felt self indulgent to stop and think I had the right to have something that wasn’t about the kids, something that wasn’t about my husband. It felt selfish to have something that was just about ME!
A year has gone by and to be honest I look at that woman and want to slap her for being so silly, except I respect her too much to do that, and ouch I don’t want to be slapped even if it is by myself.
In fact that woman feels like she isn’t even me. So much has happened over the past year, and if anything I shouldn’t be slapping myself, I should be saying ‘you’re awesome’! Because it wasn’t easy, but I did it, and it is OK to say I am proud of myself.
The past year has been a battle, a battle within myself, but it was a battle I became determined to win. I had two choices, fall apart, or climb a mountain. I chose the second. I started by writing, I started jotting down thoughts, poems, and as I did I started to learn more about myself. I took long walks, stopped and looked at nature, appreciated the world we live in. I started practising mindfulness, and started saying nice things to myself (believe me this wasn’t easy at first). The more I did these things, the easier it became to hear what my inner voice was telling me. I started to open up my heart and my mind and discover who I was. I wasn’t just a mum or a wife, those roles are a huge part of my life and I love them, but there is so much more to me.
A year ago I hadn’t even heard of blogging, and now I have 3 websites and a life guide business. I feared life as I knew it ending, I could never have imagined that the life that was to come could be even better.
I think when things are coming to an end, a relationship, a career, a holiday we go through a period of grief, and we find it a struggle to imagine life beyond that grief. Let alone a life of wonderful things and new opportunities. We often hear people say ‘when one door shuts, another one opens’, and we want to believe that, but it is not always easy when it’s not staring us in the face and shouting ‘here I am, I am the new wonderful opportunity you’ve been waiting for”!!!!!
Don’t be disheartened if it is not obvious. If you feel you are stuck in that thick, all consuming fog and can’t see your way out, just keep walking. Just hold your head up and keep walking. Eventually you will start to see glimpses of the sunlight, and soon you will pick up your pace. Before you know it you will be running arms out and embracing the sunshine. That fog you feel now will become a distant memory. Some days the clouds may reappear, but just keep walking and don’t look back.
The point is though that you have to keep walking, if you fall down, then get back up. It is not always easy, but it is a choice! You have to fight no matter how thick that fog is. You have more power than you know. I am so grateful every day that I kept walking, life can surprise us if we choose to keep our eyes and our hearts open.
Thanks for joining me, love Mackenzie xx
The prompt ‘FOG’ was provided by write or die wednesday
Want to link up with Mummy & Us?
Loading InLinkz ...Link up anything related to family, crafts, recipes, stories, images.
Grab my super cute button to display on your linked up posts, or on your sidebar. Thanks for your support.
Want to join my other fabulous Linky party. Check it out here. Friday Reflections
More fabulous reads from mg
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams
Need help with getting through the fog in your life, I can help, here’s how!
I have also linked this post up to the fantastic Twinkly Tuesday Link Up, find out more here
12 comments
It must have been the strangest feeling when that part of your life as mummy was over and I can imagine you felt lost for a while. So glad you worked so hard and are out of this now. I believe in mindfulness too and I think works! Good luck in your future endeavours xxx!! #twinklytuesday
Thanks so much Sarah, feel free to link up any time too xx
Well done for getting through the fog and making a success of things. #TwinklyTuesday
This is a fab post. I think a lot of mothers can resonate with the feeling of loss when their youngest starts school. You should be so proud of yourself for not letting yourself get swallowed up and for taking action. Look how well you have don! I often feel swallowed whole by the fog of being a working mother. Your post really helps to believe that one day, I could be doing what I want to do and not what I have to. Thanks for sharing your wise words lovely and thanks so much for linking up with #TwinklyTuesday
Thank you Lisa, means a lot and I love linking up xx
You’ve done all that in a year? You are amazing!
Awe thank you xx
Although different from you, I’ve felt like I’ve been in a fog or a deep dark hole before with no way out and somehow you just have to find it within to keep moving forward. And here I am..
Never stop believing in yourself and never give up. Xo
Ah! Our children need different things at different times and sometimes, as their needs change, it’s difficult to see where you, as their mum, fits in. Motherhood is such a minefield isn’t it? I am at listener point with one and taxi driver to the other. Another lovely post Mac x
Mackenzie, I love this advice! I think we’ve all been there at one point or another in our lives – that fog that sucks us dry. But you’re so right that eventually the sun will come out again. It will shine through us and help us find our purpose or happiness again. 🙂 Thanks so much for sharing your heart with us!!! xo
Oh, Mac! This resonates so much! I love what Lisa@intotheglade said about motherhood being a minefield. It’s so true! I can never forsee when I’m about to fall into a mommy pit. As a matter of fact, I was balling in my bed last night, out of the blue, thinking about when my oldest was a baby. I was telling my husband, “I was so young, and I didn’t know what I was doing. I wish I could go back and do better!” He wasn’t hearing it though, and reassured me that I did a good job.
I just never imagined motherhood to be THIS raw. It’s my biggest source of every feeling under the sun: joy, pain, fear, fullness, loneliness, and shall I continue?
I too looked forward to when my girls would be in school and I could work, have more time for my own interests. But then when I started working I felt so unfulfilled! I wanted to be back at home taking care of my babies! It was such a difficult transition. Then a couple of years later I got pregnant with my son, and here I am back at home. Now that I know how fleeting these baby years are, I’m doing my best to enjoy every moment of it.
It’s a strange feeling to have a teenager and a newborn at the same time. I’ve been living in that fog you speak about for the past two years. No wonder I’m a hot mess! 🙂
Again, this post resonated deeply. Thank you for sharing your heart!
((((((Big hugs!!!))))))
It is a massive transition to have children, and then again when they reach ages where they become more independent. The fear, worry and everything else that goes with it just compounds things. You have done well to find your way through. xxx
Comments are closed.