My pregnancy with Aspen is a time I describe as the most beautiful and the most terrifying time I’d ever experienced at that point in my life. I don’t think I can ever put into words how much I wanted a baby, my 9 year old asked me the other day ‘what made me want to be a mummy?‘ I likened it to when he wants something so much that he can’t stop thinking about it, but in truth it was so much more than that.

How can you put into words how much you want to be a parent when it is almost indescribable? Even at the time it wasn’t even something I could explain or wrap my head around. It was like there was something deep in my soul, in my whole self that craved to be a mother. I am sure many of you can relate.

After miscarriages, led to temporary infertility I began to think that I would never be a mother. Disheartened and broken, and already with such a low self esteem I felt the universe was telling me I didn’t deserve to be a mum. I now know those thoughts were irrational, and self defeating. That isn’t how the universe works and I was being unnecessarily cruel to myself. At that time though I could barely see past my own anxiety and the fog that was thickening around me. I knew though I was not willing to give up, and that whatever it took, and even if I wasn’t going to be able to carry a child, I would be a mum.

When I fell pregnant with Aspen (with the assistance of fertility medication and some other medication that my OBGYN recommended to hopefully prevent miscarriage) I was a nervous wreck. I held hope in my heart, but I was so terrified I would miscarry again. In many ways I was also still grieving the loss of the other pregnancies, and I even felt guilty for loving the baby growing inside of me when I would never get to hold the ones I lost.

Pregnancy can be an emotional roller coaster at anytime, and for anyone, but coupled with grief and anxiety my OCD worsened and I became obsessed with little rituals. I had terrible morning sickness (all day actually), but I honestly think my anxiety played a big part in my nausea. Still there was part of me that was hopeful and everyday that passed I fell more and more in love with the tiny little person growing inside of me.

When we were asked if we wanted to know the gender I was so excited. I really hoped it was a girl, but mostly I felt desperate to know because I didn’t know the gender of the ones I lost and I thought at least if I never hold this precious baby I will know if I have a son, or a daughter. When my OBGYN told us it was a little girl I honestly felt they were mistaken, I went to the toilet to empty my badder a bit and when I went back I was asking them if they were really sure!

The pregnancy was high risk throughout, I was told to give up work as I was Nursing at the time and my position required a lot of patient lifting. Being at home gave me more time to ponder what could go wrong, but also more time to plan for the perfect nursery. I love interior design so I was happy to plan the perfect nursery for our little girl. I used to like just being in that space and allowing myself to dream what she would be like, I would talk to her constantly.

Every day with her growing inside me was another day with her, and for that I was so grateful, no matter what happened I was a mum and I loved her, I just prayed with everything I had that she wouldn’t be taken away.

I remember hoping she wouldn’t be like me, a worrier. I vowed that if she was born healthy I would be the best mum I could be, that I would raise her to be a better person than I felt I was, a stronger person, a person who actually deserved love. What I later learned was I had to treat myself the way I vowed to treat her and raise her. To be the mum I truly wanted to be I had to learn to recognise myself as loveable and treat myself with love and kindness. (A long hard road, but an achievable one even though I didn’t know that at the time).

I was induced the day before she was due because of the high risk pregnancy, it was a six hour labour and she became very distressed so they had to assist her into the world. She was wide eyed, in fact she didn’t sleep for many hours, her eyes took everything in. She is still like that, she is fifteen and still she makes me feel like she has been here before, and in many ways I feel like she has taught me far more than I could ever teach her, but in truth it probably goes both ways.

I thought pregnancy was terrifying and beautiful, but so is being a parent. Loving someone so much, being their role model, their guide, and yet having to let them find their own path is not easy. You can not simply say “do as I say and not as I do“.

Parenthood is tough, stressful, even heartbreaking at times, but gosh it is amazing! It is a true blessing, and watching them become their own person is the best part. I am so proud of my girl, my teen. Maybe she is too old now to be known as my little girl, yet not old enough to yet be a woman, she is finding herself in this big confusing world, and she is really only just beginning. I am just glad I get to come along for the ride.

Thanks for reading, love, Kylie xx

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