It really can be terribly difficult to be so raw, to open up about the struggles we experience. Today I am struggling, today I feel so raw that my body feels weak, my mind scattered, and I am mentally exhausted. To be honest I wasn’t sure I would get a post up today, or the link up either. However, last week I shared this in a post with you;
“There is no doubt it is easier to talk about our past mistakes, or hurts once they are over rather than whilst going through them, but they truth is we are all going through things and we shouldn’t feel ashamed or feel we have to hide them. I honestly believe that showing what we consider to be our weaknesses actually reveals our greatest strength.”
feel free to read more of that post HERE.
It is easier to share the stories when they are over, when our problems are solved, or our hurts have healed we can talk about what we went through and what we learned from our experiences. I didn’t think this is what I would write today, I planned on a happier post, but then for me today that wouldn’t be authentic. I am not in a happy place today.
The words I chose to live by this year were Living Fearlessly Authentic! Being fearless hasn’t always come naturally to me, it has also been a long journey to being authentic, but I will not place words on my blog that don’t live up to what I promised myself. So I will not pretend that today that I am living in a perfect world with a perfect life. Today I am unhappy, and that is my truth. Still that is not all I am. I am sad, yet I still see how blessed I am, despite today being a really tough day, I still see joy in today, there is always good when you choose to look.
It has been eight years since my best friend died. Eight years may sound like a lot, yet it feels like it was only last year. When she died I was pregnant with my son, he is now eight and she will never see his big blue eyes that light up the world. Today was particularly hard. I haven’t seen her mother for many years now, despite growing up with my friend always beside me, her mother was not someone I became close too. In fact my friend spent the majority of her life avoiding being in her home. My family became hers, and her friends became her world, her support, her everything.
It was out of nowhere that her mother called me the other day. I knew that despite everything my friend would want me to see her mum and so I did. I spent the entire day leading up to seeing her in some kind of daze. I knew it would be hard! Part of her visit was lovely, we looked over old school photos and year books, and laughed at letters written between friends. Other parts were hard, like her asking me if my friends and I blamed her, if we were angry at her. How do I answer that? I told her that there were things that she did that we felt were wrong, but that my friend would never want her mother to suffer, or blame herself, I encouraged her to forgive herself.
When someone takes their own life, everyone around that person blames themselves, asks themselves what we could have done differently. It is easy to look at who we can blame, we point fingers at others and more so ourselves. My friend had the most forgiving heart, and I knew she would not want her mother taking the blame.
So many twists and turns along her path lead her to that moment. I will always question what could have changed the outcome. No amount of what if’s, or if only’s, can bring back my friend. My heart still aches everyday for her.
That year as I carried my son in my womb I was told I may die, there was a high chance I wouldn’t survive the birth. If one of us was supposed to die that year it seems all signs had pointed to me. I almost feel survivors guilt. After her mother left today I stood out the front of my home and out of nowhere I started sobbing. Then I opened my front door and my little eight year old son was standing there with a silver sparkly Santa hat on his head, a big grin and his bright blue eyes looking up at me. I didn’t die that year, and seeing his precious little face reminded me of just how truly blessed I feel to be alive. I held my little boy close and told him how grateful I am to have him as my little miracle baby.
Tonight my heart aches, my head is spinning, but I am here and I am blessed. When she left today, she left me with my friends high school diary. Maybe one day I will read it, I am not sure I should, they were after all her private thoughts. Maybe I shouldn’t be writing all this, maybe it is too long, too sad, but this is me today, authentic and raw. Tomorrow the sun will rise and I will laugh with my children, and hug them close. I will remain perfectly imperfect. I will remain fearlessly authentic and totally me.
Thank you for listening . . .
It’s now time to link up your post with the #mg linky!
I am taking a much needed holiday with my family leading up to Christmas so #mg will be open this week, and then will be on break for a few weeks, I’ll be back in Jan. Have a wonderful holiday season. Still look out for occasional posts though on my blog xx
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- add my #mg link up badge to the post you are linking up (code below)
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With link ups there are bound to be some blog posts that interest you and some you don’t relate to. Therefore you do not have to read the post prior to yours if it does not appeal to you. Please still share their post on social media though. However, you must comment on at least two posts that do interest you. I also understand some weeks get away from us as bloggers and we can get ill too. If for some reason you struggle to get to comment one week then please make up for it the week after. At the very least share posts on social media, the more the merrier.
Please try and pop back and share posts that are linked up later in the linky too, thank you.
This weeks featured post is Natalie with “Christmas 2017” if you haven’t already read this stop by and take a look it is a lovely post with the joy of little ones at Christmas. Please pop by and congratulate the featured blogger and share their post! Let’s support other bloggers.
Natalie please feel free to grab the badge below.
Thanks for joining me, love Mac xx