How much responsibility should we really be giving our children? Should we be encouraging their independence from an early age? I have seen programs where children at age 3 are cutting up apples with knives, is that OK? The reasoning was that the younger they learn the more the sooner they become comfortable with using sharp objects and the less fear they have. OK so I didn’t give my children knives at age three, more out of my fear than theirs, but I do agree that we should be encouraging them to learn life skills from an early age.
I want my children to grow up and know how to do things for themselves, but I don’t want them to miss out on the luxury of childhood free time and play. So how do you strike a balance between the two?
My children attend school 5 days a week from 8:45 until 3:05, and as we lives 35 minutes from their school we leave at 8 in the morning and usually by the time we get home it is around 4 pm. After a snack (it’s like we don’t send food with them to school the way they eat after school) and a rest, there is often homework or at least home reading that they need to do. So should I be trying to get them to pitch in with family and household tasks on top of their busy lives?
Last year there was no nights a week where we weren’t attending an after school activity. Aspen danced 2 nights a week and Saturday mornings. April danced two nights a week and had swimming another night. Adam had swimming and Taekwondo one night. We were busy, too busy, we were over scheduled and burning out. When Aspen first told me she no longer wanted to dance I was admittedly heartbroken. She was in the Elite group for her age of dancers and had even been chosen to perform a solo at the Directors Choice Gala. She made people cry with this performance and I was repeatedly told she had a gift. But the truth was she had no passion to dance anymore, she just wanted to be a kid. She wanted to be home playing and relaxing. I tried to push her to continue and for a while she did, but I knew her heart wasn’t in it and I let her give up dance. April soon followed suit. Following this we moved away from where the swim school was and I haven’t yet re-enrolled them in swimming. So for half a year we have only had Taekwondo as an after school activity. The girls also do choir and learn instruments during school hours so they are not missing out.
It has been bliss, for all of us, we have had a much more relaxed half year. The kids have been riding their scooters, bikes, playing with the cats and dogs, playing with the neighbours kids and playing more with each other.
Aspen and Adam making up a stage show
But should they be doing more? Should they be helping out more at home? We have never had a pocket money policy, if the kids help out it has always been because we are a team, a family that pitches in just because it’s a nice thing to do. I don’t get paid to wash the dishes, or do the laundry so I don’t pay them.
But recently Aspen started to say she wants a bunny. Now we already have quite a few pets and other than play with them the kids don’t have any real responsibility when it comes to their care. So I made her a deal. If she gets the dogs up every morning, feeds the kittens and cleans the kitty litter everyday, after a period of time she will be allowed to get her bunny. I guess my aim here is to teach her responsibly and also to prove she has the skills to take care of a bunny. Adam has now decided he wants fish, so we have set up some jobs that he can do. I want them to learn that taking care of animals is not all fun and games, it takes commitment and some messy jobs.
When it comes to the household, they are expected to tidy their rooms when asked (although their ‘clean’ standards differ greatly from mine, but then again my hubby’s differ greatly from mine too, so maybe I’m just too fussy?) I also expect them to take their dinner plates out, and put their ironing away. April without ever being asked loves to set and clear the table and wipe down the placemats, whereas Aspen and Adam don’t usually volunteer off their own accord.
The other thing I am encouraging more of lately is them preparing their own lunches of a weekend. Adam is still a little young, but the girls are now expert sandwich makers. Aspen loves preparing picnics for the three of them and they set off on backyard adventures. Aspen loves to cook, she has been baking quite a bit lately and although I watch her still around the oven, she can bake cakes, biscuits and muffins from scratch all by herself. She even made pancakes for breakfast the other morning. And surprisingly she washed the dishes!
I sometimes feel guilty when I watch them make their own lunch or cook their own toast, I mean isn’t that what a mums job is? Shouldn’t I be doing all these things for them? But then I remember how when I moved out of home at 18 to go to University that I had never cooked a meal, and I felt hopeless, and I realise that I am teaching them skills that they need for their futures. At school they learn many skills that they will need, but their are so many life skills they don’t get from school, and isn’t it my job to help them learn the lessons they don’t learn at school.
I want them to be able to cook and make healthy food choices, I want them to be able to cope with failures as well as embrace successes, I want them to learn the value of helping others and caring for animals, I want them to learn respect and how to embrace life. I want them to learn how to treat others with care, how to love and how to be loved.
I don’t know what the exact balance is, how much responsibility I should or shouldn’t give them. I am trying to strike the right balance between fun, freedom, responsibility, respect, and relaxation. I will keep trying, at times I will get it wrong, last year in hindsight I had it wrong, this year it feels more right. It’s trial and error. I am learning as much as they are, and that’s OK, I don’t need all the answers, I don’t need perfection, I just need to be willing to keep on learning.
What are your thoughts on this topic? Do you have your children do chores? How young can they start? Do you believe in pocket money? I don’t believe that there is a right or wrong, I just believe we all do what works best in our families, do you agree? I love this quote by Maria Montessori
“Never help a child with a task at which he feels he can succeed”
To me it encompasses such truth. As parents I think we tend to want to take over or help at the first sign of difficulty they face, but this just cuts off their self belief. What do you think?
Thanks for joining me, love Mackenzie xx
Just to prove I didn’t torture my child, here’s April having fun pretending to clean lol, I struggled to get a grumpy shot out of her!
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26 comments
Its a hard one. It really depends how busy they are and what it is. I always wanted my steps to do more around the house and help out but it didnt go to plan exactly. Now as a 12 year old, M makes his own brekkie when asked/told to, but as we only have him every 2nd weekend its hard. I think you are doing the right thing though, especially with the bunny and the deal. At a certain age kids need to be taught that they need to work hard for certain things. This definitely helped with C, who is now 18. She now understands the value of money and so on. Good luck!
Thanks Janine I appreciate the feedback. Yes it would be hard when you only have him there every second weekend, it is great though when they understand the value of money or having to work for things, such an important life lesson.
lol April is a great actress! Striking that balance is really tough. I agree, you don’t want to rob the kids of their carefree childhood. And, they have so much to do during the day with school, homework & lessons. But at the same time, it’s not fair for mom to do everything & if you do everything, they don’t learn how to do things for themselves. I started pocket money recently to try to help the boys feel like they are working towards something. I’m not sure if it was a good move or not yet but I’ll keep you posted lol Thank you for hosting! x
yes keep me posted on the pocket money, I would love to see how that works, thanks for the feedback xx
We both have chore-related posts this week! Great minds! 🙂
I’m incredibly appreciative of your honesty and the way you take your everyday “mommy thoughts” and present them in your blog posts. When I was reading this, I couldn’t help but nod along with many things you said. What is the perfect balance between chores and freedom? I suppose it ultimately depends on the child your own parenting style. I like what you said about being willing to keep on learning. I think when we finally figure it all out, our children will be out and on their own! Thank you for hosting this fantastic linky, Mac! #mg
yes Katie I just read your post and though gee we think a like! I agree that introducing them young helps and making it fun makes for more success.
As you say it is all a balance, with 6 I try to split the work evenly but in reality some are far more willing than others and do twice as much. #TwinklyTtuesday
Definitely a balance but I believe children should help with chores and with helping with cooking. I think it helps them learn the skills they will eventually need and helps them to understand the importance of team work and possibly appreciate more the things that are done for them. Well done April! #TwinklyTuesday
Such an interesting subject. My little one is just a tad bit young to be helping out around the house (she’s only four months). Buuuut, I can speak to MY upbringing. I was raised from the early stages to help around the house and it ended up being fun for me to help my mother vacuum and my dad helped turn cleaning up my room into a game. I think if we start them all off early enough with these kinds of “chores” it will quickly become old hat … just like it was for me. Good luck!!! Thanks for linking up at #TwinklyTuesday
I did chores every week and they made me no more clean and tidy as an adult! My son is too young but I don’t think I’m going to be too bothered about chores, mainly because I think the stress of getting him to do them woul dbe greater for me than doing them myself. My husband and I have discussed it and decided that there will be a basic rate of pay for pocket money plus the chance to earn more through completing additional household tasks but the tasks have to be special like car washing and not general helping out stuff.
I think you are managing the balance well. It IS important for children to learn responsibility adn also basic household chores for when they leave home.
#Mg and #TwinklyTuesday
I feel like you, we are always so busy with school and clubs, I feel bad asking them to help out. My eldest loves cleaning, she will willingly clean the kitchen and tidy the bedroom, my middle daughter is not so keen, unless she thinks she may get something for it. I let my kids use knives (not sharp ones) at young ages to try and cut apples and potatoes etc. I think it’s good for them to learn. My daughter quite enjoys making a sandwich or making her daddy a coffee. Sarah #mg
I like to think we have a happy medium between contributing and slave labour ! :p in our house chores are spread out across the age system (the husband unfortunately gets his share – and I get to listen to the moaning). Generally they do age appropriate tasks and we all get it done so we can do something else…I think it is important for them to gain a little independance, at the very least it teaches them a respect for things if they have to tidy it up afterwards! that’s where we stand anyways 🙂 Thanks for hosting #mg 🙂
There is a balance but for each family that balance may be different and the age at which each family starts vary as well. When my boys were 3 years old, they wanted to help me with everything and while I let them help sometimes, most of the time I did it myself because I’m particular in how things get done. I have since relaxed a bit with that but now they are older and I’m kind of kicking myself for not having stuck to certain chores (like cleaning their room) all the time. It’s been and on and off thing but I also know that now they are old enough to help me more around the house, I have been pushing that more. I haven’t found the perfect system for it yet but I’m working on it. It’s important that they learn responsibility so that they aren’t dependent on anyone when they are adults.
I don’t have kids, so I can’t answer if you should make them do work. (but I would if I had them 😉
I do agree with your quote. Children need to struggle a bit to learn they can succedd
Oh my this is such a difficult one, indeed I have just had this conversation with my 12 year old. It is a matter of balance but it is important that they learn these things too. However, when they forget to do the one thing that they are asked to do i.e shut the door, then I feel as though I am nagging – I wish I had the answer. Thank you for hosting xx
This was a really interesting post. My two year old is going through a really helpful age where he just wants to help out with everything around the house. I’m hoping that it will last for the rest of his life and not thinking much beyond that. But I am pretty big on intrinsic motivation. If the kids are going to be doing chores, I don’t want to be nagging them, I want them to be doing them because they feel that it’s a good thing to do. Well see how that works out! Thanks for hosting #mg
It’s a difficult one and my kids are not yet old enough for it to come into play. I have always tended towards the view that I would not have young children do chores, as I think they should get to have fun. I think for teenagers it is good because they need to learn life skills and responsibility. I think that is key for me: I think children doing chores should be for what it teaches them in life, rather than because it makes things easier for parents, since we chose to have them & not the other way. I probably tend to feel that young children don’t need the skills so much, and should get to be free from responsibility for a while. But I think that it is really debatable at what age life skills can be useful – I can see the argument that doing it younger can help with independence. There are some things I would do younger, and already do a bit, anyway – I encourage toddler to help tidy up toys, and will probably have them put things away in their rooms from quite young. I do think that if kids want to have pets it makes sense to require them to accept some responsibility for looking after them. So all in all firmly on the fence over here! #mg
I think it’s really great that you have your kids help with those small tasks (especially learning about the responsibility of having pets). My son is only 2.5 but I already ask him to tidy up his toys before bath time, I figure it’s never too early to get into a good habit 🙂 #coolmumclub
yes I agree, to start young makes it easier, thanks for stopping by x
It is all about the balance. Weekdays are busy and are standard for my six year old is that he tidies his room and takes his plates out. On the weekends he helps set the table and pair the socks! Sometimes I get him dusting or washing up. My one year old loves to do the hoovering but his standards need some work! #coolmumsclub
lol, I love that your one year old hoovers, that’s cool
I think this is a really interesting topic. I think it’s all about balance. I believe they do need to take responsibility – my daughter is only two and half and helps us to unload the dishwasher, hang up the washing and make lunch or breakfast sometimes but otherwise I think it’s important they just be kids. I also do plan for her to have a chores chart to earn pocket money in about a year or so but mainly because I don’t want ger to get into that pester power thing. Thanks so much for linking up to #coolmumclub x
I have discussions about this before and at the end of the day, it is about finding a balance which SUITS your family. My children are very busy too during the weekday with studies, sports and music. They do have chores but which are not set but I usually yell out for help. For us, but it’s about us helping out as a family – helping with the washing, sweeping the floor, folding laundry etc. We usually do things together. We do have to let the children shoulder more responsibility as they grow older but never at the expense of the freedom of their childhood. I loved being free as a child to play, read a book or just day dream, that is the very essence of childhood. I think you’re doing a great job because you’re finding what works for your family. Thanks for hosting #mg
I haven’t actually thought about this yet, as mine are still very little, but this is very thought provoking, and something we need to think about! It sounds like you have the balance just right! Letting them still be children, but giving them some responsibilities, and making sure they are equipped with some life skills before leaving home! I was the same as you, my mum was a brilliant mum (still is,) but she was so anal about tidiness and cleanliness in the house that she insisted on doing absolutely everything herself, and wouldn’t entertain us doing anything. So when I left home, I was useless at everything, and used to get so cross that I felt like that because she hadn’t taught me the basic life skills I needed! So I know I’m definitely going to be harder on my children than she was, I just don’t know to what extent yet!
#coolmumclub
I don’t think there is anything wrong with children being given some responsibility around the home. It teaches them that life isn’t all about fun even though we would love that for them. It also teaches them respect for what you do for them when they realise how much Mum does. Thanks for another great insight into your family, Mackenzie and also for hosting your link up. #mg
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