She is not shy. She is not rude. She is not weird. She is not antisocial. She is not a snob. She is not any label you want to put on her.
I am not naive, I know my ten year old doesn’t always answer people when they ask her something. I am more aware than anyone that she struggles with new people, new situations and changes to routine. I know it can be frustrating, or maybe even make you feel a little uncomfortable. I know you may have to put in some extra effort when getting to know her, but please stop saying “Oh she is so shy isn’t she!?”
My daughter is unique, aren’t all children? Unique is a great thing, yet people seem to constantly want to label people into categories like ‘shy’. I understand that it may not seem like a problem, and I know it is tempting to do, I sometimes make the mistake myself of labelling people, wanting to put people into little categories. I remember when my older child would turn away from some well meaning stranger trying to tell her how ‘pretty’ she was and I would feel bad, (like somehow it seemed like I was not raising her properly, with manners, yes I was failing as a mother). I would apologise and explain, “I am sorry, she is shy!” Why!? Why did I feel the need to say that? Why should my 2 year old want to smile politely at a stranger who is invading her personal space?
I know there is a big difference between a two year old, and a ten year old. Believe me, I get frustrated when she is asked a question and she closes up and goes into her shell, but it really doesn’t help when someone (no matter how well meaning) says ‘oh you are very shy aren’t you!” I don’t want her to carry that label with her, I don’t want her excusing her behaviour by simply believing she is shy. She is actually not shy. She gets overwhelmed, and confused by new people, but she is not shy.
Once you know her, once she is given a little space to see if she feels comfortable she is just as loud, chatty, fun loving and adventurous as any other child. She is hilariously funny, she is a fantastic friend, she is smart, cheeky, and creative. Don’t judge her so quickly, just give her time.
I will continue to help her become comfortable in this fast paced world, I will encourage her to speak up for herself, and to stand up for who and what she believes in. Ask anyone of her massive group of friends if she is shy and they will say no. She needs a moment longer than many children her age, but she is not shy, she is simply herself.
Thank you for joining me, I wold love to hear your thoughts so please feel free to leave a comment below,
Mackenzie.
22 comments
I can imagine how you feel as a mom or how your girl feels when people start labelling her, because I’ve had similar experiences with my son too and i know some kids need more time to break the ice with new people they meet. I was a bit like that so I know how it feels. You’re right in letting her be herself. I think too often we try to clone kids into becoming certain kinds of people they’re not and it is really unfair. They come out of the shell when the time comes. We have to gibe them their space and time to be who they are.
I understand how you feel, I feel it strongly with my youngest who has been given a label “autism’ but I want people to see that he is more than his label. He is kind, affectionate, smart, sweet, funny. He loves playing with his cousins his siblings but is overwhelmed with new people, but once they get to know him he is so engaging. #globalblogging
I agree, labelling people, especially children just keeps them from reaching their full potential. #familyfun
I never thought that people still did that with kids. But I do understand how rude adults can be towards children without meaning to. When my oldest was younger I hated telling people he has Autism in order to make them feel better about why he wasn’t interacting with their child or them. I even had one mother yell at me once and accuse me of raising an antisocial child. Nevermind the fact that he was only 18 months old and anyone even the least bit familiar with child development know that at 18 months, children don’t always pay attention to other children around them. It makes my blood boil to deal with ignorance so I totally understand where you’re coming from. We don’t need to be labeling our children. They have enough on their plates just trying to learn about this world and grow up in it. #anythinggoes
I love it when fierce sow-bear love pours through your words.
Yes!
Oh it’s the whole labelling thing….so agree. My daughter is a sensitive soul so calling her shy or quiet is not something she needs to hear! She knows her own mind, she is quietly feisty and she is calm and interesting girl. She just doesn’t like to be loud and she doesn’t enjoy meeting new people. That’s ok! I also hate it when well meaning parents say things like, ‘she’s not very good at maths/writing/pe” this just pops this mantra into a child’s head! Great post. #anythinggoes
Good on you for not labeling your own child! For knowing that she needs a little extra time. For being patient with her. For being in her corner.
With my own kids, I try to not force them into situations that they are uncomfortable with. Ex. giving hugs + kisses to absolutely everyone who asks. If they want to, they can. If not, that’s fine. It’s important to let our babies be and grow into the person they are so they can learn and love that person.
Great post
#globalblogging
Katelynn, hameprsandhiccups.com
Gosh what a powerful post. I need to check myself next time as I know I am guilty of this. Thanks for pointing it out and raising my awareness of it in future. #DreamTeam
It goes on all the time. Part of it, however, is I think we get a bit miffed when unthinking adults don’t treat our kids as special. The truth is they aren’t that special to them, and we have to get used to that too. Those that do take the time will know soon enough how great they are. I have seen this with my own boy, who wasn’t always the most outgoing, but once people got to know him as you say, they could see all his qualities. Ultimately, so what if some people don’t take the time; on the one hand, maybe they have other things on their mind, on the other, it’s their loss ultimately, not mine or our kids’!
great post and I love that last picture. I’ve never understood the need to have everything and everybody labeled. How boring the world would be if we all fit into nice little boxes #familyfun
I can kind of understand this, although it is slightly different for me as the ages our children our so different. My three year old is quite similar to how you described your then two year old and I have often said, ‘sorry she’s shy’. I have however stopped doing that now as she started to say ‘mummy I am shy’. I don’t want to label her that way and her thinking that is who she is. I think it is important not to label children in anyway as it just reinforces a belief in them…I think anyway. Lovely post and thank you for sharing it with us at #familyfun
I’ve completely relate to this as our son has been labelled in a similar way, and he’s only two. It is so frustrating and I feel like a spend a lot of time reminding people that he is entitled to feel however he wants. #ablogginggoodtime
Yes I totally get this. My 3 year old is very similar, and I definitely am! But, like you, I am too quick to jump in and “defend” her by saying she’s shy, but I know that I shouldn’t be labelling her and we shouldn’t need to justify her behaviour to strangers… #ablogginggoodtime
This is a great post, Mac, written with such passion, I love it! I have stopped counting the times my daughter, now 9, was called shy because, like yours, she wouldn’t talk to strangers, etc. This has changed slightly as she has got older, thankfully. Labels are not good, whatever they are or who they apply to.
#ablogginggoodtime
What a passionate post, every word you wrote resonates with me. Even though my little boy is only 2, I get what you mean, I am going through this (again), as I, myself was that child. Labels do nothing for us, we just need to stop it, especially with close family and friends. #ablogginggoodtime
Such an important message – labels are so very unhelpful. I love unique. What you wrote could have been about me as a child! I could come across as all the things you state in a new social setting but was very at ease with family and my close friends. Your daughter is so very lucky to have you as her advocate and champion. #ablogginggoodtime xx
This is a great post. And such an important message. I worry about labeling with my daughter as she has significant learning disabilities. You have to be an advocate for your child!
#ablogginggoodtime
Love this!! I don’t think we realise how much our words hurt and stay with our kids. Thanks for sharing! #globalblogging
Labels are interesting. I’m in a profession of pretty much labelling kids and teens if you want to think of it that way. A diagnosis is a label. And yet, for a lot of them, it’s helpful to have it. It’s helpful to know what’s happening for them. Yet, I think, in the end, it’s the behaviours that are the most important. So someone labelled as ‘anxious’ is also going to want to hear that they are avoiding something out of fear {if that makes sense}. I can understand your frustration around people labelling your daughter as ‘shy’ but the behaviour might be just slow to warm up. With labels though, we are quick to label positive behaviours too but might in fact be better off describing behaviours instead. I’m not sure if I’ve made sense here but your post has got me thinking a bit.
Sadly stereotyping is very much a part of society as is judgment. #globalblogging
Labelling children affects them badly and feels terrible about themselves. Let’s stop labeling children and love them as they are.
I may be wrong but I think kids tend to go through a stage where they don’t want to talk much or don’t have much to say to people. My nephew doesn’t say much but he’s a very polite kid. My niece is a little quiet but she’s a good girl too and both don’t talk much to new people but getting to know them opens up the conversation a whole lot. I think there just comes a time in a child’s life where they start to have their first real changes that are social changes and they just don’t have a whole lot to say to you unless you do it first and connect with them on the new level that they are at. I can tell you that at my age, I still don’t like talking to people I don’t know but I do because a lot of the time I have to for work or to get things done that I need done.
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