I will never forget the time I confused the time of my Biology exam when I was at university and showed up too late. I was devastated. I had studied so hard for this exam, and then to show up at the wrong time was just such a let down. I walked back to my little car in the university carpark and just sat there for a moment trying not to cry. How could I have done this! I turned on my car radio and the song playing was “Stupid Girl” by Garbage, the lyrics reflecting exactly how I was already feeling about myself;
“You Stupid Girl
You Stupid Girl
All you had you wasted
All you had you wasted”
I honestly felt like I was stupid, and that I had wasted this opportunity. I wasn’t surprised as I already thought very little of myself. What was I even thinking? As if I was smart enough to be at university! (I was completely ignoring the fact that I was in my final year of university, and that I was not only passing, but receiving distinctions and high distinctions.) Somehow I was able to dismiss anything I had already achieved and quickly decide I was a failure, and that I was stupid.
I felt like a ‘fake’ like somehow I had simply fooled people into thinking I was smart enough to be at university, when really I was just stupid, unintelligent and undeserving. Finally by missing this exam I had proven myself right.
It might sound ridiculous, and to be honest looking back it saddens me that I wasted so much of my life believing these self-defeating thoughts! Why was I so hard on myself!? What made me think it was OK to talk to myself the way I did? My internal dialogue was cruel and harsh, yet I had spoken this way to myself for so long that I couldn’t even recognise it was a problem. Instead of looking at the evidence right in front of my eyes, I chose to keep believing the lies I was telling myself.
My thought pattern was so ill-conceived, what seems obvious now, was not then.
The evidence was that I was in my final year, I had never missed an exam before, my marks were very high. Yet I chose to ignore all of that and conclude I was fake, stupid, and worthless.
The reason I am telling you this is to demonstrate how powerful our internal dialogue is, and how if we tell ourselves negative things it can become easy to believe them, despite clear evidence to the contrary.
Our inner critic can develop a strange logic that believes if we already only expect the worst of ourselves then we are less likely to be hurt if someone else criticises us, or we fail at something. It believes it is protecting us, when in fact it can limit us and hurt us. When something or someone offends us we need to be our own cheerleader, not our worst critic. Think about the times you have made mistakes, did you call yourself stupid, or think you were a looser? This kind of negative self-talk only serves to make you feel worse, it serves no helpful purpose.
You may think these small remarks don’t really matter, but imagine now you were talking to a small child (you can picture a younger version of yourself, or a child you know), imagine now you are telling this child they are stupid, fake, fat, ugly, worthless. Imagine that child’s face as you tell them this. Imagine telling them this a few times each day. Imagine telling that little child that year after year.
It goes without saying that they will take on this belief about themselves and will see it as their truth. It is the same when you tell yourself these things over and over, you truly start to see it as your truth despite the evidence that clearly says otherwise.
The positive news though is you can change your thought pattern! Even though you may have had a negative and critical internal dialogue for years, it is possible, with work, to change and begin to see yourself for the beautiful, intelligent person you are! By paying attention to the way you talk to yourself, and by realising you are in control of your inner voice, you can change the messages you are giving yourself.
You truly need to become your own friend, your own advocate. Just like you wouldn’t put up with someone saying horrible things about someone you love, your child, your best friend, your pet, don’t put up with you saying horrible things to yourself!
Chose the words you say to yourself carefully. Really think about your dialogue, and your tone.
Become mindful of your words. If you are saying harsh things, become critical of these, examine the evidence to dismiss the criticism and search for the truth based on fact, not old patterns of thought. Alliteratively, if you are being positive and choosing kind words then believe these thoughts and don’t dismiss them so easily.
Instead of saying things like “I should have been doing this . . .”, say “I will do this . . .”. Instead of saying “I have to do this and this and this . . .”, try saying “First I will do this . . . today, and then I will move on to my next task”.
Don’t make sweeping statements like “I am stupid”, instead say “I made a mistake, now I will look at what I can do to make this better, or solve this issue.”
For me it felt very strange when I first started trying to be kind to myself. I had set up a lifelong pattern of not being good enough and believing the negative thoughts and internal dialogue I used. It felt foreign to compliment myself. The thought of attempting to believe I deserved good things, or that I could ever possibly love myself felt utterly ridiculous. When we have spent a lifetime telling ourselves we are unworthy, it isn’t going to be something we can change overnight. But with persistence, and learning to catch myself out when my self-talk was critical and hurtful I soon began to examine the real evidence and see that I was in fact a good person, and someone worthy of happiness and love.
Loving yourself isn’t about believing you are perfect and incapable of mistakes, it is about knowing it is ok to make mistakes and accepting you are still a good person who is loveable and deserving of wonderful things in your life.
If you are struggling with how you talk to yourself, just think of yourself as that little child, and each time you go to put her or him down, stop yourself and change what you are saying. Catch yourself out and refuse to put yourself down. Accept that mistakes are ok, and you will learn from them. Then say something nice about yourself. Even if at first it feels wrong to compliment yourself just persist, trust me if I can get there, you can too.
In case you were wondering, I spoke to my examiner and was able to sit the exam later. I graduated later that same year.
Thanks for joining me, love Mackenzie xx
Don’t forget to stop by and link up every Monday with #mg link up. And Thursday for #abloggingggodtime.
23 comments
Absolutely love this post! It’s so easy to be negative towards yourself isn’t it? I’ve worked hard over the last 6 years to change my mindset. It’s tricky sometimes but oh so worth it. My confidence levels are higher than they’ve ever been. Of course I still have the odd hard day, but I remind myself that it’s normal and won’t always be that way, while trying to figure out what I can learn from it. 🙂
You are definitely not alone on this one. A huge percentage of university students, and actually people in most fields, feel like this. The imposter syndrome! I teach in a law school and I have to give my students multiple pep talks about this type of internal dialogue every year. I’m so happy for you that you have learned to change your mindset. That in itself has to be one of life’s most challenging and rewarding achievements x
Fabulous post. We can be so ridiculously hard on ourselves without giving a second thought to how it affects us #ablogginggoodtime x
This is such a great post which I’m sure so many can relate to. As a dyslexic person, with more creative than academic bones I felt so lost at university, studying Journalism! Luckily I’ve always had wonderful parents to support me and tell me how amazing I was and we NEED that! And we need to tell ourselves just how wondrous and strong we are… Supporting ourselves is one of the most important lessons to learn. THANKS SO MUCH FOR THIS POST! Loved it. #ablogginggoodtime
Haha reading this post and stupid girl came of the radio.u loved garbage when I was younger X #ablogginggoodtime
Hi Mackenzie, I find it too easy to put myself down and you’re right, I would never talk to a child in the same manner. I put myself down to defuse situations, to remove attention or just to make people smile, why I’m not really sure as I’m always telling my two that they are as good as anyone else. Thank you for making me think. #ablogginggoodtime
What an awful internal conversation for anyone to have with themselves. I’m glad it ended well. It is amazing the difference a positive mindset can have on life. Like you say, the substitution of a few words, for more positive ones, can make all the difference. I really hope this is something I’m teaching my children. #ablogginggoodtime
This is such an important message. I don’t think I have been very kind to myself lately so Thank you for the much needed reminder!
You’re so right – we all need to be kinder to ourselves, accept our mistakes and understand how we can learn from them rather than judging ourselves. #ablogginggoodtime
This is such an important and moving post. I felt like this through uni too, and I think it’s only with age that we come to give ourselves a bit of slack xx #ablogginggoodtime
Yes. This. I used to have a such an abusive, critical inner dialogue even though, like you, I was a high flyer. 4 years ago I went on a course and it changed my life forever – it showed me how powerful my mind was, and that actually I was using that power to bring myself down. I still have a way to go with retraining those inward conversations, but I know I have come so far, and I am a better, happy person because of it. Thank you for this great post to remind me and encourage me in my own journey #stayclassymama
It is so hard to turn off the negative self talk. Something I read somewhere suggested trying to start the day with a positive though. Instead of waking up and saying “man, I have so much to do today,” try “What a beautiful morning” or “That was a great night of sleep.” I’m trying to do that, but I still definitely have rough days. What a great idea – imagining you’re talking to a small child.
~Jess
#StayClassyMama
this is something I struggle with even now. I’ve always had a low self confidence and low self esteem, they go hand in hand really, and have always took to blaming myself and telling myself I’m not good enough or insulting myself. it doesn’t help with, when you’re younger you’re more fragile and especially with the pressures of school etc its easier to just constantly blame yourself and wish you were better. I’m 26 now, far from a teenager but still have the days where all I do is treat myself with no respect. it’s hard! #ablogginggoodtime
Love this post. I am definitely my own worst critic, some days feeling super positive and other days feeling useless. I really need to focus more on what I am achieving rather than what I am struggling with #ablogginggoodtime
I used to be like this as well. I hid my insecurities so well from the outside world but inside I hated myself. And it was for the exact reasons you mentioned about imagining saying that to a child. I was called all sorts of names as a kid by my own family. Every single day. It took a long, long time to get over that horrible negative self talk but you know what really started me on this path? Hearing my youngest say bad things about himself every time he made a mistake. It started as early as 4 years old for him. He still does it every now and then when he gets frustrated with himself but I always correct him on it. That was my own wake up call though that I needed to change the way I looked at myself. Great post Mac! You’ve inspired an idea for a post for me:) #blogcrush
Another amazing post, Mac. Mastering our own inner voice is so important for every relationship we have in our lives, let alone raising our kinder. Through therapy, I was able to find that volume button and change the mindset of that critic… no easy task, but well worth it! My outer voice is much louder than my inner voice now. And for that, I am grateful xoxo #ablogginggoodtime xoxo
Sometimes we need to look at where the source of that inner dialogue came from to re-address things too. Pleased to know that you were able to take the exam later and passed. #ablogginggoodtime
So very true! Our inner voice is the single most important judge of ourselves and everything it says feels real and true. It’s so important that we maintain mindfulness and maintain a positive attitude. Thanks for linking up #stayclassymama
I LOVE this post. I absolutely love it Hun, as someone who is guilty of not being very kind to herself I really needed to read this. I am trying to talk to myself in a nicer way as you are so right that we would never dream of speaking to a child the way we can so often speak to ourselves xx #BlogCrush x
Positivity is so vital and sometimes our inner voice has a negative tone and we tend to speak to ourselves with so much judgement. We don’t give ourselves enough credit. Yes we make mistakes which is normal and it is a learning curve but we also need to learn to be kind to ourselves and to forgive ourselves. Thanks for sharing.#Blogcrush
Wow. What a thought provoking post. It’s so important to be kind to yourself and actually a lot easier not to be. Thanks so much for sharing this.
I absolutely love this post, everyone should read it. Internal dialogue is a powerful thing. #BlogCrush
I am such a perfectionist and get so frustrated with myself when I make a mistake but, like you say, we need to accept that it’s okay to make mistakes. No-one is perfect, as much as we’d like to be. Just popping back from #blogcrush – congrats on being the featured post this week! #blogcrush
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