Have you ever just stood still and realised you are completely lost? Lately I have had no idea which way to turn, have you ever felt that way? It is a horrible feeling. There can be a little moment of excitement as your adrenaline pumps through your veins, but then the weight on you shoulders can literally crush you.

It is nice to fantasise about what I want for myself, which direction do I want my life to take? What will make ‘me’ happy? Shall I turn this way? Or that?

Yes, it is nice to imagine, to dream, to think of sayings you have heard like how you regret the things you don’t do, not the ones you do. It is nice to open inspirational books that are full of quotes encouraging you to make your dreams come true. I have opened several little books lately whilst thinking to myself what it says ‘will be a sign‘! Of course I think I just interpret these sayings and quotes to mean what I want them to mean.

The day I became a mum, my life was forever entangled with this tiny person who had stolen my heart completely. My decisions no longer were just about me, or my husband and I, but they were suddenly about what was best for our family. Adding 2 more children to consider means trying to keep all five of us healthy and happy, obviously it goes without saying how completely blessed I am to have this little family, the dilemma is we are five individuals. Different needs, strengths, weaknesses, wants, and dreams. So where do my dreams fit in?

I am the first to say that a happy mum makes for a happier family. As a woman, as an individual and as a mum I matter! My needs and desires matter, my dreams matter. If you have followed my blogging journey you will know how much I encourage us to fill up our own love cup and to be kind to ourselves! I absolutely believe in that. This is why I have spent the last months considering what will make me happy.

If only it were that simple, to consider only ourselves and at the same time know that everyone else will want the same things, and be just as happy as I would be to make a change. My husband and I have spent months considering what we want, what will make me happy, him happy and our children happy. All along I have known that without us being on the same page we will never find that happiness. The truth is a huge part of what makes me happy is seeing my family happy and secure, just as a big part of their happiness is seeing me happy and secure.

We have weighed the pros and cons to making a big change in our life, and ultimately our lifestyle. For my husband and I there is no doubting that we feel a change is right for us, and therefore a massive pro is that having happy parents will benefit our children.

Have you ever felt though, that feeling that something is holding you back? Is it just fear of the unknown, fear of change? Or is it a deeper feeling that maybe you are making the wrong choice? I was ready to jump, to commit to this change knowing we are a strong family, my husband was ready, we were doing everything to make this happen, and then . . . I froze. I started to doubt myself, my faith, I started to loose trust in my decisions. I felt myself back-pedal. What if this was completely wrong for our children? How could I do something that will change the course of their lives when I don’t know if it will be a positive, or negative course change? I started to speak to myself in old negative ways, feeling that thinking of myself wasn’t the right thing to do. Thinking how dare I do what I want when it potentially may make life harder for my children!

I took my doubts to my husband and we pulled the plug on all our plans.

I have to wonder if that was a mistake? What was I so afraid of? My husband had recently text me saying ‘life is short, we should take chances’. Yet here we are not taking a chance. Playing it safe with the status quo. I have spent the last days telling myself that even though I am wondering if we should have pulled the plug I know that it is the right decision, it is the best thing for our children, I am being a good, responsible parent. I am putting their needs above mine, besides I won’t be happy if they are not! Yet inside me I feel like I have somehow let us all down.

I haven’t had such self doubt in quite a while. I have not spoken to myself as harshly as I have over the past few days in a very long time. I have felt myself slip into a state of sadness and I absolutely hate it. I know this too shall pass.

Who knows maybe we do regret the things we don’t do? Maybe it is because we can hang onto unrealistic fantasies of how it ‘may have‘ turned out? Yet when we don’t take a chance we never find out.

I am staying here, and I am blessed beyond measure with the life I have here. Life is not over, I have plenty of time to take those risks, to jump in to other challenges and changes. Right now my soul is aching, to be honest I feel exhausted and broken, yet still grateful for all I have.

If I was advising me, if I was being a friend to myself (something I am struggling to do right now), I would tell myself to be gentle with my soul, be kind, rest and do things that will bring me back to a place of self acceptance. I will try to be that friend to myself. I just need a little time.

Have you ever felt this way?

Mac xx