Have you ever had one of those days where you feel completely unappreciated? That is how I felt last week. Now I know that it is up to me how I feel, what I choose to take onboard, and how I choose to respond to things, and the people around me. Logically I know this. My happiness is in my own hands, (or mind).
I guess that was part of my issue, I have not been appreciating myself. I feel like I am falling short of my own ‘perfectionist’ expectations. And so I have been focussing on the negatives around me, rather than the positives. I am looking for some kind of external validation, instead of working on my own internal dialogue.
At meditation I was told to greet myself as I would a friend. With kindness. Lately, (and many times in my life, to be honest, most of my life), I have been struggling to do this. In fact I am extremely critical of myself and often feel that I am letting everyone around me down. In fact I don’t just feel I am letting others down, but also myself.
Over the past couple of years I have made real progress, and even got to the point where I started to really love myself, and see my good qualities. Lately though I felt myself slipping backwards. To be honest it scared me, I have worked so hard to be where I am, and the thought of stepping backwards is not one I wish to entertain.
Last week every criticism I received, even though very small, really cut deep. My husband made a negative comment about dinner and I felt like crying. Something I could usually laugh off, or tease back about, just seemed to really knock me down. On top of that it was just that everyday life as a mum, where you kind of do everything to keep the household running, and yet no one notices. Well OK they notice I am sure, but I felt really unappreciated.
It is not a drama, there is so many horrible things going on on the world, and I have so many wonderful things to be grateful for!! I am just feeling extremely vulnerable right now. Burnt out I guess. Do you feel like that? Do you have days where you wish you could just start over again?
But those words during meditation “treat yourself as you would a friend” really hit home last week. I have not been a good friend to myself lately. Some days I catch myself saying quite mean things, things I would never say to a friend, and judging myself in a way I would never judge others.
I find with others I am very tolerant and always look for the good, but with myself I am quick to judge and very critical. I know logically I deserve good things, and that I am a good person, but for some reason I set unrealistic expectations for myself.
That moment during mediation was a moment of clarity for me. I have blogged before about getting toxic people out of our lives and how important that is. Yet lately I am being toxic to myself. I don’t deserve to be treated with such judgement. So I decided I need to work again on myself, on being kinder to myself. Falling back into old patterns is not an option. I deserve to be happy, we all do. So I am taking time to work on me, and to do the things I love the most. I am making more time for family time, and for my fictional writing because it makes me so happy.
You deserve to be happy. You deserve to be treated with kindness. So if you find yourself talking badly to yourself, or not giving yourself time to do the things you love, then please follow my lead, and show yourself some kindness. We are all capable of self love, and that starts with showing yourself kindness.
Do you find you are self critical? Do you have any tips to share on how to be kinder to yourself?
Thanks for joining me, love Mac xx