Looking down at her fast asleep in my arms, peaceful, which had been rare so far, I was at a complete loss of where to go from here, what to do now. This was the moment I had longed for, struggled to achieve, but now what? We had only had her for a few days, yet my heart had ached for her for what seemed an eternity. I was finally a mother, her mother and she was perfect. I looked at my husband, my eyes desperately searching his for an answer, what do we do now? I don’t think I have ever felt so uncertain before, not to this level. She was ours to care for, ours to keep safe. Motherhood had finally arrived, I knew this was going to be a journey, I knew I had so much to teach her, but I couldn’t have known just how much she would teach me.
That is the thing about parenthood, it is impossible to prepare for constant changes. Just when you think you have mastered something, there is a new challenge to present itself. Would she ever sleep through the night I wondered after 6 months of barely any sleep? Yes, she finally did. Would she ever drink from a sippy cup? Would she ever stop crying at strangers? Would she be ok, I worried every time she got ill? Would she cope ok with no longer being an only child? Would she cope with kinder? Her first day of school? Would I cope with her first day of school and meeting new mums, would she fit in, would I? We both learnt so much along the way, we took baby steps, we gained so much knowledge. She was learning everything for the first time, and I had to learn how to be a mother at every different stage.
The other night she lay in her bed with her teddy bears surrounding her, her long strawberry hair lay across her pillow, her body now almost as long as mine, how did that tiny baby grow so fast? She is a teenager, and I am a mother to a teenager. Part of her is still so young, I can still see that quirky, curious, funny, cuddly toddler, yet I can also see the young woman she is becoming. Where do I go from here? How do I teach her, guide her, protect her, when I am just learning how to be a mother to a teen? I have never done this before? I don’t want to screw this up! She looked at me with those big brown eyes, and told me she had a question. She explained to me that when she has her friends over she is a little embarrassed to call me mummy, she said her friends don’t call their mums mummy in front of her. She wanted to know if it was ok to call me mum in front of her friends, and still call me mummy when it was just us? Of course I said it was ok, I understand, after all it is part of the progression of her growing up. She asked me if she had hurt my feelings? I assured her she hadn’t. The truth is it didn’t hurt my feelings, I am totally fine with her wanting to not call me mummy in front of friends. She is growing up, she will continue to explore her own identity and in some ways that will mean feeling that she has to separate her identity from mine, and discover who she truly wants to be. I am not hurt by that. But am I a little sad? Yes.
I want her to find her own identity, to be her authentic self, I don’t want her to live my life, I don’t want to tell her what she needs to do in life, this is her journey. But I am her mother, and that makes me want to desperately hang onto her, and fiercely protect her! I know to grow and learn she will have to make her own choices and make some mistakes along the way, I know this logically! But in my heart I want to wrap her back up in that baby blanket and hold her to my chest forever.
How do I let go enough to allow her to blossom, yet still hold on enough to keep her safe?
Am I proud of her? Absolutely! But I am also terrified! I have never done this before, she is my first born, and together we will learn.
Now it is time for our gorgeous #mummyshot round up!
this weeks featured photos from #mummyshot are
These adorable pics were shared by these amazing Instagramer’s
Thank you to everyone who continues to share their precious photographs with us. If you are not following these fabulous instagramers pop over and check them out.
If you would like a chance to be featured on my own, or Catie’s blog, just tag any photo’s of your children/grandchildren with #mummyshot.
My own personal favourite this week from my own Instagram feed is this memory of April holding our bunny YoYo a few months ago, but sadly YoYo passed away this week. She was a rescue and was almost completely blind. But she was the best snuggler ever!
My favourite from Catie’s Instagram photos this week is
Thank you so much for all of you who have shared your images with us! You can see Catie’s favourites over on her blog too.
Also if you are a blogger and have a post you would like to share come by every Monday for the #mg linky
Thanks for joining me, love Mac xx
You can find me on Instagram @macglanville
Also don’t forget to join my #livingfearlesslyauthentic community too. Only one rule! Real Life!