What is the difference between being a good person and being a push over? I am genuinely asking. Does standing up for what you believe in, or standing up for yourself mean that you are not being nice?

As a small girl I was encouraged to be polite, and being polite meant agreeing with people, and being quiet. My sister was very good at it, as I was often reminded when my parents would tell our guests how well behaved she was, how quiet she was, how they never had to tell her off, unlike their youngest daughter, (me). I had opinions, questions, I didn’t agree with everything, I didn’t stay quiet if I didn’t agree with something, but I soon learnt that if I wanted to be a ‘nice‘ ‘good‘ girl that is what I should do.

I lived with a constant struggle between being myself, and trying to be just like my sister. I think I actually stopped knowing who I was, I was more interested in trying not to be me, than discovering who I was, or what I truly wanted for myself.

My sister and I are two different people, similar in many ways, different in many others. I should have seen those differences as a wonderful thing, but instead I saw them as her blessings, and my curse. As a child, teen, and a young woman I couldn’t see that our individuality was what made us both beautiful and unique. I couldn’t see that my parents commenting on their well behaved daughter was not actually them saying I was ‘bad‘ somehow. My own two daughters remind me a lot of my sister and I. One is more outspoken and one is much more closed when it comes to voicing how she feels. They are also very similar, and yet so very different, it is what makes me love them as individuals. I do not want them to be the same.

As a child I thought my parents wanted me to be different, better, quieter, I couldn’t see that maybe they simply loved me for being me.

Through most of my twenties I let people walk all over me, even into my early thirties I was still reluctant to be my true self. When people were mean to me I just sat quietly. I thought that I had to keep the peace, I had to protect everyone else, and that I had to be the good girl just like when I was little. When there was conflict I went out of my way to resolve it, even if it meant going against my core values, even if it meant saying sorry for things that were not my fault.

I do not blame anyone for me having these thoughts of not being good enough, it was the way I interpreted the world around me. I took the things people said to me growing up to heart, I held on to them, I was a deep thinker, and I overanalysed everything. (I still do in many ways, old habits I am still trying to break.)

All this is on my mind because a friend of mine is in a very similar circumstance, she asked me my advice, should she apologise for something that she is not in any way at fault for just to keep the peace in a situation? If she does then she is going against her true self, but if she doesn’t then she risks a family rift. She asked me if it makes her weak if she continues to be walked over by people who are supposed to be supporting her, is she weak for not standing up for herself? Do we loose a bit of who we are every time we allow others to dictate what we should do, or how we act?

I was honest with her, I told her that right now I feel angry with myself for not standing up to the people in my life who walked over me, but at the same time it brought peace to others by me doing so. Is peace to others more important than peace within myself? Would I do it again? Does it make me weak, or does it make me strong because I was ‘the bigger person“? I honestly do not know. I told her I don’t feel I can help her with her decision because I am still not sure how I feel about mine.

Is standing up for yourself black and white, or is there some serious grey areas? Do you follow your heart? Your mind? Or your soul? Any advice?

Thanks for joining me, love Mac xx