A new year, and it is time to say farewell to the old and open up the windows and let the fresh breeze blow into our homes, and our souls, preparing us for something new.
For many the end of a year is a time of great reflection, to be honest despite the title of my website, I have not been doing much reflecting on the year that was. I almost feel like the days have just flowed into each other and it hasn’t mattered much whether the calendar has turned its page to a new year.
All years comprise of some bad times, some fabulousness, some devastation, celebration, laughter, happiness, loss, and more, and last year was no different. I had some devastating lows, some amazing adventures, I grew, and I embraced it all with the attitude of ‘what am I learning?’
When the end of 2017 rolled towards a close, I chose the word “sparkle” as my word for 2018. I wanted to share anything and everything I could, and contribute what I had to offer in order to help others. I wanted to sprinkle some of my happiness and inner sparkle on the world. Only half way through the year I found myself completely out of any sparkle, I was anxious, tired, confused and becoming overwhelmed.
It is funny how even in your own personal darkest hours, if you look hard enough, you find that there are lessons you can learn, and through the twists and turns, through grief, through tears, you can find a sense of self that you never knew you were even missing. I know for me that I realised that I was still holding onto so much hurt, and that pushing away pain and injustice doesn’t make it go away, no matter how much we wish it would.
I found that for me I had to stop living a life where I constantly felt silenced, I had to give myself permission to admit that I had been wronged, hurt, silenced and violated, and to discover that I was actually angry inside. I always saw anger as something bad, as something I was never entitled to be, and through the dark times last year I began to realise that anger can be a great thing, it can empower us to stand up for ourselves, it can be cancelled into change, into positive movement!
It was certainly the year of the unexpected. Through which I have been empowered to speak what is on my mind, to be freer to be me. I have met people I would never have met, formed new friendships, and shared my sparkle, (when I thought I had nothing left to give), to people who needed it most. I have taken on new challenges and learned even more the importance of mindful living in keeping me healthy in every way.
In so many ways last year would be one that would be easy to write off, but when you see the world through the eyes of gratitude, and the things you learn, you see the beauty in the world around you. Last year also gave me wonderful memories, family times full of love, great friends, and the letting go of some of the hurt I carry.
So for 2019 my world shall be “Learning,” because as I grow I know I will continue to learn. I know I still hold so much pain within, and I have a long way to go on my journey, but I will learn, I will keep fighting, and I will not allow myself to be silenced. I have no idea of what this year will bring, I’m not sure I have stopped to really consider what I want for myself for 2019, but I am sure I will continue to learn if I open my heart up.
Looking back over a year of Instagram it was lovely to see the happy moments, so I created a little collage which brought a smile to my face. I think that’s why I enjoy sharing happy images on Insta, it make it easier to look back and focus on the good!
So there you have it, I have finally taken the time to reflect on the year that was! Now I am ready to live in the NOW and just see what comes my way.
Thanks to everyone who has become a part of my world over the years and to all of you who subscribe, who comment, who send me beautiful personal messages that inspire me to keep my little space on the web going. May you have a beautiful 2019!
Much gratitude, Mackenzie xx
17 comments
Hope you have a great year Mackenzie and you get to share more of that sparkle! #ABloggingGoodTime
A great word to approach the year with #ablogginggoodtime
What a great thing to flavour your year! #ablogginggoodtime
Gosh Mackenzie, the references to feeling violated and silenced etc stopped me in my tracks. Sounds awful and I wish you the best of luck moving forward this year. The instagram bit is food for thought. As you know, there has been so much backlash and negative rhetoric regarding that platform and the blame that it has received in connection with social media-induced depression and the tendency for people to falsely portray happy smiley ‘life is perfect’ shots. But actually what you say about it helping us to look back and focus on the positives from our year is SUCH a good point (cos who wants to look at our piling dishes in the kitchen sink or dirty laundry basket?!). Happy 2019 sweetie.
Happy new year to you and hope it is full of happiness X #stayclaasymama #ablogginggoodtime
Great word for the new year! Happy 2019. #ablogginggoodtime
This is a really endearing and honest post. I feel really moved by your words – and I hope you’re able to work through whatever you have been through to make you feel so angry and upset. It sounds like a terrible time and I’m glad you’re working hard to get your sparkle back. If you feel sad or angry, then show it. You’re right not to stay silent anymore. Dealing with it means saying it out loud. You have to look after yourself first before you can anyone else. I wish you a great year x #StayClassyMama
“Learning” is a great word to focus on for 2019. My word this year is “balance”. Can’t wait to read your reflections on your word as the year progresses!
good sometimes to look back at the happy times and remember that it wasn’t all bad. I think that “learning” is an excellent choice for the New Year, something that we are all constantly doing, whether conciously or not. Wishing you all the best going forward #blogginggoodtime
Thank you for your reflections Mac, I am a big believer in the concept of living in the ‘now’. I always try to stick to that myself – I find that if I get too engrossed in what is happening next week or next month then all I start to feel is anxiety, so living for today is far healthier. I hope it does all stay on a positive path for you #ablogginggoodtime
Hate the thought of you having any pain but then weirdly I think those of us who do and perhaps that is all of us actually are nicer to others as a result in some way. Never doubt your sparkle – it shines bright for me for one all year round too and I am delighted to know you even a little bit through the online world we inhabit. All the very best for 2019 – this is the first year I have not made resolutions but weirdly I too am learning and planning for all that or perhaps because of that lack of pressure. Looking forward to reading you more this year #ABloggingGoodTime
Oh Mac, you do sparkle, and we can feel the light all the way over here, in Philadelphia, PA! xoxo #blogcrush xoxo
Back again, from #ablogginggoodtime and you, my sparkly friend be well! <3 xo
The word learning is the best word! I don’t choose a word for each year but if I did, every year would be that word because I am always learning. And growing. 2018 wasn’t the greatest year for me but it certainly wasn’t the worst. I have learned to take the good with the bad and move forward, taking all the lessons I learned right along with me. Happy New Year Mac! #ABloggingGoodTime
I’m so sorry that you felt silenced and violated. Anger can be a positive thing in many ways – it all depends on where and how it is channeled. Looking at the world and finding gratitude in it makes such a difference and I know that it has certainly helped me this year. I love that “learning” is your word for the coming year – there are always new things to be learned and I hope that 2019 will be a positive year for you x #ablogginggoodtime
I loed looking back at my best 9 photos and my project365 pics. So much of the yar I’d forgotten, good and bad. It is good to learn from the past but not let it impede our future. Thanks for linking up with #stayclassymama
What a lovely reflection on 2018. It’s great to hear that you have started tackling some inner issues head-on – that can feel so empowering, can’t it! And I hope that 2019 is full of learning and a deeper sense of healing from the hurt that you carry with you #blogcrush
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