“Can I have a hug?” She says casually, “because I like hugs.”
– my teenage daughter
A day with a teen can be pretty up and down. We can literally go from snuggles, to dirty looks, and back to hugs in a short space of time, and any given moment. We were in a bookstore today, spending time browsing shelves and picking up books that caught our eye, flicking through pages and sharing things that looked interesting with one another. My little family loves books, and it is something I have no problem spending money on, (within budget of course). Â Hubby picked up a book, I can’t remember the exact name (sorry), but it was aimed towards dads and about how they can cope with having a teenage daughter. He laughed as he showed me the book and the man behind the counter commented that clearly we had a teen.
With all the warnings you receive about how terrible teens can be, plus your own memories of what you were like, you may dread your child ever reaching this stage, I know there have been times I have been completely terrified of mine becoming teenagers. I have a tween and a teen, my teen is still only thirteen so I am hardly an expert, or a ‘wise one’ when talking about teenagers, and I am sure if you ask me in a few years if I still feel the same, I may say something completely different! I am of course not going to say it has all been smooth sailing, but I think teens get a hard time, and probably for the most part, that is pretty unfair.
There are days I feel completely confused, overwhelmed and over my head with having a teen. There are moments that I want to pull my hair out. She says one thing and then another, she’s laughing and then she is crying. She wants space, then she will cling to me as if her life is about to end. The thing is though, even in my moments of feeling overwhelmed I still ‘get it’. Life is pretty overwhelming for me and somedays I want to cry my eyes out and have a hug, and twenty minutes later I may just want some time alone. As adults we all get confused and frustrated with life, we all laugh, we all want to scream, so why would a teenager be any different? Why do we expect them to act politely and never complain, or be ungrateful when we do it ourselves? Are we just setting our standards too high? Or are we just so tired that we can not bare to deal with someone else’s raging emotions and hormones?
As a mum of a teen, and a tween my advice would be this;
- set clear boundaries of what is acceptable behaviour.
- give your teen some responsibilities around the house.
- if you have pets it is a great way to teach them responsibility, and how to care for others.
- when they need some space allow them this.
- respect their right to privacy, unless you fear they are actually in danger. (Here I am talking about diaries and being private with their bodies. Internet safety is a whole other issue.)
- never turn them away when they are in need of a hug.
- if they want to talk make the time, even if it can’t be right away make sure you schedule a time and stick to it.
- don’t make promises you can not keep.
- have clear home rules, the less confusion about rules the better.
- let them have friends over, it is the best way to gauge how they are fitting in, and how they relate to their peers. It also allows you to get to know their friendship groups too.
- don’t make harsh comments about their personalities.
- refrain from comments about their body, or appearance.
- let them make their own clothing choices unless it is really inappropriate.
- praise them for behaviour you are proud of.
- remember that they are going through a lot of changes and try to be as patient as you can.
Yesterday my daughter came to me and asked if she could have a hug, “because I like hugs,” she told me. I took her in my arms and held her until she was ready to let go. It is a confusing time for her, but I am her safe place. Sometimes she may push me away, or not feel like telling me what is bothering her, I just have to be patient and wait for her to come to me. I let her know that it’s ok if she needs time alone in her room to think, or just be by herself for a while, but I always add that I am right here ready when she needs me.
I tell my daughter that time alone can be a good thing, as long as you don’t stay that way, and whether it is me or someone else she trusts, she should always talk to someone about what she is going through after she has had time to process her own feelings.
We will both continue to learn this mother daughter thing together.
Do you have any advice? What do you wish your mother had done, or not done when you were a teen?
Thanks for joining me, love Mackenzie xx
15 comments
I agree with everything here. My eldest will be 12 in May and Shan will be 10 next month. Bodies are changing, hormones are raging. I realised that as you say, having friends over is a great way to gage how things are going and make sure you actually get to meet all the new friends they make at high school. It’s certainly a roller coaster. Sarah #ablogginggoodtime
These are all great! I can already tell how these will come in handy and my little girl is only 1.
Pinned! Thanks for sharing! #ablogginggoodtime
These are all great, and all things we currently do. This is a list I wish my mom had growing up. Every comment about appearances, weight, clothes… really turned me into a bad way. Eating disorders, lack of self-esteem, confidence… You have one very lucky daughter, and I know you know this, but you are one very special momma! May your relationship always be one of trust and love, despite the hormones! <3 #ablogginggoodtime xoxo
I have 3 teenagers at the minute and it’s so hard watching the hormones surge and them struggling to deal with emotions. We are very open and talk loads about whats going on and they know they can come to me anytime if they end to chat even about super embarrassing stuff for them #ablogginggoodtime x
You are such a patient, kind and loving mum. I will be back for more advice when my boys hit their teens đź’•
Great advice for moms to survive the tweens and teens stage. But I guess the great lesson to be learned when raising teens is you always need to be the parent even if you feel like acting out… and to end each conversation, especially the bad ones, with I love you.
I always argue with my teen sons and at times I’m happy I had because that’s usually the time when we can REALLY talk and learn from each other. And it’s ok, for as long as we all know that we’re still good and still love each other no matter what. And I can sense that the real message from the article is that we just need to love and understand our teens….unconditionally…
Great advice, I need to refer back to this when mine are older! Especially like your point on not making promises you can’t keep- so important to maintain trust. #blogcrush
I absolutely agree with you. My daughter will be 12 this year and I am learning to read her moods and behaviour as much as you can at this age. So like now, she has chosen to have a day in bed, I am respecting this and leaving her there to take the time she needs until she is ready to come downstairs (enjoying the peace too obviously) but when I can see her getting stressed or upset I always offer hugs because no matter how old she is getting mum hugs are still the best she says. It is so hard though isn.t it! #blogcrush
I have to admit to being worried about the teenage years (although it’s several years away yet). But what I worry about the most is seeing problems that I cannot fix; having to watch my girls hurting and not being able to sort it out for them.
You are such a caring mum, and I love your advice for parenting teens. I hope I can be as approachable when we’re in that phase too #blogcrush
My close friend has a tween. It looks brutal. I am in awe of the moms out there! #BlogCrush
Sounds like you are doing a great job. But boy is it hard sometimes! #blogcrush
Seems like you have it covered. Listening and responding to how they are. They may not reciprocate! I have two adopted teens. It’s a bit of journey isn’t it!
#BlogCrush
All such wonderful advice, my daughter is only 4 but I already worry how I am going to make sure that is still a confident, determined and above all happy teenager. I struggled during my teenage years and I would give anything to ensure that my daughter doesn’t face those same struggles. #BlogCrush
This is lovely advice. I have a while to go as my daughter is only 2 but I’m sure the years will pass in a flash! #BlogCrush
Back with some blogger love at #blogcrush Looking over at my littles with tears in my eyes. Always such sage advice! TY Mac! <3 xoxo
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