I remember each and every time that I first saw the lines on my pregnancy test, the exhilaration, the pure and instant love I felt for this tiny person that would one day be in my arms. Only I am yet to hold all those precious babies in my arms, one day I hope. . . . One day I hope that we will all be together.
Sometimes I lay awake dreaming of what they would be like, what their laughter would sound like, or how their hair would smell. Would they have my brown eyes, their fathers green eyes, or be like their brother and sister with blue eyes. One day I hope to know.
I felt so disillusioned after my first miscarriage. I felt foolish for thinking that just because we had gotten pregnant it meant we would of course have a healthy baby in around 9 months. Instead I had doctors telling me there was nothing they could do as my unborn baby died inside of me. I felt let down by my body, by my beliefs, by the medical system and by my naivety. I was lost.
A few days before my baby would have been due my nephew was born. During this time I had suffered another miscarriage. My faith in everything was dwindling. Life’s fragility was all too real, I was desperate to be a mummy, but my hopes and dreams of the future I had always envisioned were fading fast. Seeing babies whilst out and about was so painful, even TV shows and commercials featuring babies were making me sad. My heart ached, my whole body ached. Doctors said miscarriage is common and normal, but it didn’t make me feel better! I felt anything but normal! My body shut down completely, I stopped ovulating. Eventually after tests and intervention we finally had our miracle daughter.
18 months later we found ourselves pregnant again. It was such a relief to have an early scan and know our baby was alive inside me. 3 months in we went on a holiday, after a beautiful day at the beach I started spotting. We went straight to the hospital, it was a small town and they could not perform a scan until a few days later, they told me it wasn’t an emergency (but to me it was!) Go home and stay in bed is what they told me. I stayed in bed, I rested, I prayed, I tried to stay strong, the spotting had stopped. Finally I had the scan, and my fears were realised. No heartbeat.
They scheduled me to have the baby removed and put me in a hospital bed on the ward with all the newborn babies. I watched as a new dad paced the hall outside my room soothing his newborn baby. They gave me some sort of antiseptic to shower in. It smelt awful and I worried it would be dangerous for the baby before I realised again that my baby had died. I could hear newborn cries in the room next to me whilst I cried in agony for what I had just lost. Not just my baby, but hope. My dreams of having a sibling for my little girl. Again I felt my body had betrayed me and my family. My niece be born a week before my baby would have been due.
They ask you before you have surgery what type of surgery you are having done. I guess to confirm that you know and that they have the correct patient. I hated them for making me say why I was having surgery. Then they couldn’t find a vein. I lay there whilst they tried to find veins in my foot to use. Two days later I was on a plane home. My parents met me at the airport and I broke down.
The surgery hadn’t removed everything successfully and there were complications, I had nothing left to give, but what I did have, I gave to my precious miracle daughter. I didn’t expect it to hurt so much now that I had one child, but it did!
I am so happy to say I went on to have 2 more children.
The reason I am sharing my story is not for you to say anything to me, but to help you help those who are going through this incredibly painful and heartbreaking time in their lives. I think one of the hardest things for friends, family and co-workers is not knowing what they can say, or do to help. I felt so alone and so isolated. It felt like because people didn’t know what to say, they said nothing. To me it felt like my baby didn’t matter to anyone. But to me my baby had been my whole world, and all my future dreams and plans were torn into shreds.
So I wanted to share some things with you that you can do to make a difference to someone who has lost a baby whether that be through miscarriage, an ectopic pregnancy or stillbirth. I acknowledge it is difficult and can make you uncomfortable, no one knows the exact right thing to say when someone experiences a loss, but saying something is better than pretending it never happened, because believe me it did happen! Losing a baby is one of the most loneliest feelings and experiences a family can have. Let them know you are there for them. Don’t expect them to respond straight away, be patient.
There was one thing I found I didn’t like hearing. I know everyone is different, but for me things like “it wasn’t meant to be,” and “don’t worry you’ll get pregnant again,” actually felt dismissive and hurtful.
Things you can do;
- Send a hand written note letting them know you are there for them.
- Drop flowers or a meal off. Fresh cut garden flowers mean even more than a big bouquet.
- Forget-Me-Not flowers are a lovely thought.
- Follow their lead. They may want to talk, or they may not. Sometimes just being there in silence is enough.
- Give them both the permission to feel what they are feeling. Grief will come in waves with anger, sadness, disbelief, self-blame. Just be there.
- Practical help is always great. Pick up some groceries without being asked, cook a meal, offer to take her to a doctor’s appointment.
- Remember everyone handles grief differently, and at their own pace. Even if you have experienced loss yourself don’t assume they will react the same, be understanding, and don’t judge.
- Give them time away from babies, or pregnant women.
- Create a care package. See tips for what to add below.
- Don’t try and ‘fix’ everything or ‘answer every question’. Don’t feel you have to make her or him better, and you won’t know the answer to “why?” So do not try and answer that. Sometimes listening helps best.
- Don’t stop caring after a week or month. Grief lasts a lot longer.
- If they do become pregnant again quickly don’t assume they are still not grieving, or that everything will be magically fixed.
Ideas for a care package.
A care package can mean the world to someone experiencing loss. You can mail it, leave it on the doorstep, or deceiver it personally. Don’t ever underestimate what your kindness will mean to someone who is feeling so alone. Here are some ideas, you can include as little or as many as you like in your care package. Wrap it in a pretty box, a simple not saying ‘I am here for you’ will do.
- Tea. Choose a couple of beautiful tea flavours. Nice options are Chamomile, Peppermint leaf, Lemon balm or Dandelion. You may even like to add a small teapot or a lovely cup.
- An aromatherapy set. Essential oils can be lovely. Try Chamomile, Distilled lemon, Eucalyptus, Lavender, Mandarin, Tea tree, or Cinnamon leaf.
- Candles are always beautiful.
- Hand cream, again choose one with soothing oils in it. Aesop or Crabtree and Evelyn are gorgeous.
- Organic Dark Chocolate.
- PJ’s.
- Fluffy Slippers.
- Vouchers for you to come cook, clean, or just come over for a huge hug!
- Homemade muffins or cookies.
- A luscious bath bomb.
- Pillow sleep mist.
- A beautiful Journal or note book.
- Healing Crystals.
Hope these ideas can help you to help someone in need of your support.
If you have experienced the loss of a baby don’t ever be afraid to reach out and let people know what you need. Let people be there for you and be gentle and patient with yourself.
18 comments
This is a beautifully written post that will be so helpful to so many people. #mg
This post will help because many a times we don’t know how to reach out or react fearing that we may hurt them more. And hugs to you MG, lots of hugs.
And here you come again, sharing and helping so many. Beautiful person. <3 #mg
Reading your words, I come away with the feeling that I have missed opportunities to share comfort with women I know and love. Thanks for your words that leave me wide awake to a true source of distress and pain.
Thank you for sharing such a touching post. I’m so sorry for your loss and I agree that people think they are helping with their words but sometimes it comes off as dismissive. My aunt was repeatedly told it wasn’t “meant to be” but that didn’t ever help. It’s a loss, as devastating as any and should be treated as such. #mg
This is such a beautiful post – I have had so many friends go through this and this is just wonderful to be able to help. Sarah #mg
Mackenzie what a beautiful and heartfelt post. I’ve never had a miscarriage, because I cannot fall pregnant. Grieving, mourning, whilst all the while feeling like it’s a fairly taboo subject to talk openly about, was so hard at the time. Now our lives have moved on and we’ve made them rich and full but it was the most challenging time of my life. I am full of admiration for you and any others who talk so openly about this. I hope that in time it will make us feel empowered X #mg
Oh my lovely lady I am so sorry you have had to go through this. I also have suffered a miscarriage – I thought after having 2 healthy children it would not happen to me. It sadly did and it still breaks mt heart when I think about it. I remember receiving flowers from my sisters afterwards and although it didn’t take away the pain it meant so much that they were thinking about me. #mg
This is such a compassionate and beautiful post. I’m sure it will help a lot of people, because it can be really hard to know how best to support someone who is grieving after a miscarriage.
This is really great advice because most people just don’t know what to say or how to respond to a loved one who is grieving, let alone one who has lost a child. Thank you for sharing this wonderful and touching post! This is really helpful! Thanks for hosting #mg
Mac, this brought tears to my eyes. I’ve never had a miscarriage but bled at what turned out to be around 10 weeks with our only daughter. I literally will never forget that night and the days that followed until they confirmed at the scan that, “everything’s fine.” (Words I will never, ever forget.) Those days before the scan were unbearable, horrendous. The lists you’ve suggested are spot on and I’m sure any grieving mum would be very grateful. Beautifully written and thanks for hosting #mg
As someone who loved and lost 3 babies I feel every word of this post. Thank you for sharing your experience 💙 what really made me happy was reading give them permission for their feelings. I don’t think I was allowed to grieve as people were quick to tell me I’d have another and to be happy that I had one. Beautiful post hun 🌟 #MG
Tough tough world.Miscarriage happened with 3 of my friends and all were heartbroken but they bounced back.Care packages are wonderful
I am so sorry for your losses Mac, I know we have discussed this before, but so proud of you for your honesty and the awareness you have raised. All I wanted with each of my losses was for my baby to be acknowledged, but many people avoided me through fear of not knowing what to say. Being there for someone after a loss is invaluable. Thank you for sharing. #mg
Reading this post has made me feel sick with sadness to the pit of my stomach. I never thought that it would have been something you’d have experienced somehow. Thank you for sharing your story so that people know they are not alone and sharing how to deal in times like this. So many of the magazines disregard this side of things. I’m also shocked that you had to endure the noises from the babies that were alive and kicking while you grieved. #mg
Beautifully written, I’m sure that this will help a lot of people, luckily this is something that I don’t have personal experience of#satsesh
You are such a beautiful person, using your own grief to help others help others. That is so giving. Hugs and love to you, always! #mg #thesatsesh xoxoox
Such a poignant and moving post – I know you didn’t write it for this – but I am so sorry that you went through all of this. Your suggestions for how to help someone going through this are really good and will be helpful to lots of people. #thesatsesh
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