I was on instagram today (no big surprise there), and I was sharing an image of writing in the sand, it reads “Believe in You” I wrote it whilst on the beach yesterday evening with my 12 year old, she added an exclamation mark to it later.

It got me thinking about how much I needed that message in my life as a child and up until several years ago, and even occasionally I have needed reminders over the previous year. Believing in myself was not something that came naturally to me, in fact what came naturally was quite the opposite. I was always trying so hard to be anything but the real me. I learned quite early on that my opinions and ideas were not something others wanted to hear. I was there to look pretty and pretend that everything was ok.

We form these thoughts and ideas of ourselves and they become who we are, part of our story. They become our belief system and then shape how we treat ourselves and the way we allow others to treat us. It goes without saying that with the way I thought of myself it lead to some pretty awful things happening to me. I in no way consider myself a victim, but I do feel compelled to add that no matter how badly I treated myself there were certain things that happened that even I know I did not deserve, or cause.

By the time I was in my early 20’s I was so good at faking happiness, and pretending I was perfectly fine that I could have won an Oscar. Inside I can honestly say I truly hated myself, it saddens me to write that now, but in the spirit of keeping it real, that is how I felt. I just wanted to fade away. Despite having friends and family members who loved me, and passing a university degree I felt like a fraud. I felt like if anyone really knew me they would hate me as much as I did. I saw my role in life to be the actress that everyone needed me to be. Only problem was as time went on it was getting harder and harder to pretend.

Somewhere deep inside me was a little girl crying out for help, and she was getting louder, and I knew she and I were one in the same, yet I felt so disconnected from her, but at the same time I just wanted to nurture her. She wanted, what I wanted, what we all want, to be accepted for who we are, to be loved for just being our true self!

When I was writing that message in the sand I felt myself longing to share it with everyone who is hurting, everyone who has lost themselves, everyone who is suffering, or believing they don’t matter! I wanted to shout it out, I wanted to tell anyone who would listen that you deserve better, you deserve love and you have to believe that you deserve it! In amongst the desperation to share that message I also felt such a sense of relief. I sat on the sand and watched my daughter jumping in the waves and I was taken back to my childhood when I would play on the very same beach and just wish (almost beg) that I could travel forward in time and all the darkness would be gone from my mind. And there I was all these years later sitting on the sand knowing that the darkness was gone, knowing that I can say I deserve love, I deserve happiness and that I Believe In Me!

Had you asked me (and had I been honest) a few years ago if I was worthy of this happiness? I would have said no. It has been a long, difficult, uphill battle, lots of journalling, meditation and therapy to get to a point where I now know I am a good person and I know that no one will silence me again.

If you are in a place in your life where it all feels hopeless, or it feels like you could never love who you are then I encourage you to start speaking your truth, to find people who will support you and build you up. You are not alone, only together can we break down stigmas and help each other to live authentically. Pretending to be someone we are not in order to keep up appearances, or keep others happy only serves to break us down.

By being our true selves we can be set free and we can learn to believe in ourselves.

Feel free to message me here, or through instagram @reflectionsfromme if you would like to leave a comment please do so, this is a safe space where you can share your thoughts, or you can send me a private message through insta.

I have also started an instagram account @littlesquares_littleoldhome for those who wish to follow the journey of my move and my little old home that needs lots of TLC

Thanks you for reading, love, Kylie

Photo credit via Pexels. Pixabay.